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PETER PIPER'S TROUBLES 



B Jfarcial ComcOs in your Bets 



JOS. H. SLATER 



Copyright, 1913, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Ann Street 






f 






©GlD 322133 



NOTE. — The professional acting rights of this play are ex- 
pressly reserved by the publishers, to whom theatrical managers 
who wish to produce it should apply. Amateur representation 
may be made without such application and without charge. 



PETER PIPER'S TROUBLES 



CHARACTERS 



Peter Piper A lawyer's clerk and victim of circumstances 

Selwyn Kilby A poor artist with great expectations 

Jonah Bundy A regular Jonah with deep designs 

Daniel Grubbins Looking out for No. i 

Hon. Adolphus Gudgeon Quite English, you know 

Doris Chester A music teacher 

Winifred Barrington. .A dashing widow in search of a husband 
Betsy Bolivar An American girl 

Time. — The present. Locality. — New York City. 
Time of Playing. — A full evening. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. Living-room in the artist's home. The course of true 
love never does run smooth. A designing widow. Piper's 
troubles commence. 

Act II. Same as Act I. A few days later. Pride and 
poverty. Piper's noble sacrifice. " Allow me to introduce my 
wife." More trouble for Piper. 

Act III. Grubbin's law office. A pair of rogues, A scheme to 
win a fortune. Set a thief to catch a thief. Piper takes a hand 
in the game. " Fool, you have proposed to the wrong woman." 

Act IV. Same as Act III. " The best laid plans of men." The 
valuable picture. " When rogues fall out." Piper is nobody's 
fool. Peter Piper organizes a new law firm with a life partner. 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Peter Piper. A smooth-faced young fellow about 21. Wears 

3 



A Peter Piper's Troubles 

gray trousers, rather worn ; white vest, black bow tie, turned down 
collar, light gray coat, soft hat. 

Selwyn Kilby. Young man about 25. Wears busness suit of 
dark color, fedora hat, turned down collar with black string tie. 

Daniel Grubbins. A man about 55, iron gray hair, short side 
whiskers. Wears long Prince Albert coat, light colored vest, gray 
trousers, black bow tie and high collar. In Acts III and IV he 
wears a dark business suit. 

Jonah Bundy. A bald-headed man about 50, smooth face. 
Wears suits similar to Mr. Grubbins, only turned down collar 
with black string tie. 

Adolphus Gudgeon, Young Englishman. He should be 
dressed elegantly, light gray suit, patent leather shoes ; carries a 
small cane. 

Doris Chester. Young girl about 21, dark complexion. Wears 
light gray street costume, neat but not gaudy. 

Winifred Bareington. An elderly widow. Wears light, 
gorgeous summer dresses and is dressed elegantly, in contrast to 
Doris. 

Betsy Bolivar. A young girl about 18. Wears a dress usually 
worn by a servant, white apron with pocket ; letter in pocket. Act 
IV street costume. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

Dress coat torn up the back, matches, cigarettes for Piper. 
Picture wrapped in paper, large paste-board box containing clock, 
a smoking-jacket and cap, ladies handkerchief and note in pocket 
of smoking-jacket, also bills for Selwyn Kilby. Letter and a 
pack of cards for Betsy. Memorandum book, legal documents, 
pistol for Jonah Bundy. Legal Documents, lighted lamp, knife 
or dagger for Daniel Grubbins. Coin for Adolphus. Glass of 
water, watch, pocket-book with bills, handkerchief, and gloves 
for Mrs. Barrington. Bell off stage. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, E. 
means right hand, l., left hand, c, center of stage; c. d., door 
at center; d. r,, door at right, d. l., door at left; l. i e., left 
first entrance. Up means toward back of stage; down, toward 
footlights. 



PETER PIPER'S TROUBLES 



ACT I. 



SCENE. — Living-room in the artist's home. Afternoon. Doors 
c, R., L., and L. I E. Table R., newspaper and hand glass on 
table. Chairs r. and U of table. Arm chair down r. Sofa 
DOWN L. between d. l. and L, i e. Small stand up l., mirror 
on wall over stand. Picture on easel up c. DISCOVERED 
Betsy Bolivar at table, admiring herself in hand glass. 

Betsy Bolivar. Oh, dear me, I sometimes wish I had been 
born a man instead of a woman. We poor girls do have such a 
hard time curhng, frizzing and primping up, and then such 
fussing and fixing of our clothes, hooking and unhooking, lacing 
and buttoning up. Now on the other hand, look at the men ; 
all they have to do is to throw their clothes on any old way 
and they're all togged out. As far as clothes go, men have the 
softest snap in this world, whatever they may have in the next. 
{Rises, crosses to sofa) Miss Doris Chester promised to call 
and pay a short visit on her way to give her music lessons. 
She pretends she's calling on me, but I'm dead on to her little 
game. It takes one woman in love to understand another 
woman in love. (Door bell rings off stage) I bet that's her 
now. (Goes toward c. d., singing) "When you hear dem bells 
go ting-a-ling-a-ling, All join hands and sweetly we will sing." 
(EXIT c. d. RE-ENTER immediately showing on Doris 
Chester) Do you know, Miss Doris, I thought when you 
didn't come before this that you were lost, strayed or stolen. 

Doris Chester (laughing). Stolen, Betsy? Oh, no fear 
of that. Who on earth would steal me? 

Betsy. I know a certain young gentleman not over a hun- 
dred miles away would steal you, and I'll bet you wouldn't have 
him arrested for theft either. (Crosses, sits l. of table) 

5 



5 Peter Piper's Troubles 

Doris (sits on sofa l.). Well, Betsy, I told you I would call 
and you see I have kept my promise. 

Betsy. Yes, and if you hadn't kept it I would sue you for 
breach of promise or some kind of breeches. 

Doris (laughing). And you'd win your case, for I wouldn't 
contest it. I never want to have anything to do with law or 
lawyers, if I can help it. But to change the subject, my visit 
here must be short this time as I have an appointment with one 
of my pupils. Has Mr. Kilby come home yet? 

Betsy. No, Miss, he ain't come home yet. He has a mighty 
hard time to make ends meet, I can tell you. It's nothing but 
hustle, hustle all the time from sun-up till sun-down to get a 
bare living. It's awful how some' poor folks have to struggle. 
This hand to mouth existence from day to day, year in and 
year out, makes me weary. What with trying to keep the wolf 
and that other ferocious animal, the landlord, from the door, 
and framing up funny stories to stand him off till the sweet 
bye and bye. (Peter Piper heard singing in a deep voice, off 
stage) 

Doris (rises). Good gracious, what's that? 

Betsy. It sounds like the wolf at the door. Miss, but it isn't. 
(Goes UP c, looks off c. d.) It's a sheep on two legs calling 
himself Peter Piper. (Goes down c.) 

Doris. That's a nice way to speak of your intended husband, 
I must say. 

Betsy (crosses R. of table). Oh, well, it is no harm when I 
don't mean it. 

ENTER Peter Piper, c. d., carrying torn dress coat. 

Peter. I beg pardon, ladies, I hope my vocal efforts were not 
displeasing. 

Betsy. Excuse me for asking the question, but were you 
singing? 

Peter. I thought I was. 

Betsy. Well, it was my mistake. I thought it was a street 
peddler calling for rags or bottles. 

Peter (putting coat on chair). But now to business. Where 
is Mr. Selwyn Kilby, Miss Betsy Bolivar? 

Betsy. Not knowing, can't say, Mr. Peter Piper, but I'm ex- 
pecting him home at any moment. (Crosses to L.) Miss Doris, 
come with me and I'll show you Mr. Kilby's latest picture. He 
calls it " Too proud to beg." 

Doris (goes toward d. l.). Oh, yes, I have a woman's 
curiosity to see that picture. You will excuse us, Mr. Piper? 



Peter Piper's Troubles *7 

Peter. Oh, certainly. I don't mind it at all. I'm used to 
getting left. (Bows, crosses to l. EXIT Betsy and Doris d. l.) 
Yes, I'm used to getting left, ever since I was a baby. I was 
only two weeks old when I was left on a neighboring door-step 
and I have been left many a time since. I shall always find 
ways and means to amuse myself. I'll take a look at Kilby's 
picture (Crosses up stage) and thus combine amusement with 
instruction. A devilish pretty girl that Doris Chester. I can't 
blame Kilby for being stuck on her, I almost feel a softening of 
the heart myself. (Remains up at picture) 

ENTER Selwyn Kilby c. d., carrying picture wrapped in paper. 
Crosses l. to sofa, placing picture near sofa. 

Selwyn Kilby (sitting on sofa). Confound the luck! Will it 
ever change? Again rejected and six months' time and labor 
thrown away. If I had been born a common mechanic I would 
have earned my bread and butter at least. Far better be a day 
laborer than a miserable half-starved artist, wearing out one's 
life for that empty bubble called fame. How can I ever tell 
Doris that my favorite picture has been rejected. 

Peter (goes down stage). What's that you say, Selwyn, 
rejected? 

Selwyn. Oh, Peter, how are you? Yes, the picture which I 
considered my masterpiece and a prize winner called " Ariadne 
Weeping by the Seashore" has been rejected by a committee 
of blockheads, dolts, idiots. 

Peter. I can sympathize with you. (Shakes hands) Behold 
another companion in misery. 

Selwyn. You too, Peter? 

Peter (sits R. of table). The same identical individual. You 
may remember my telling you once that I didn't like my position 
with that old money-grubbing rascal Daniel Grubbins, the shyster 
lawyer. I have found him to be a first class all-around, triple- 
plated old scoundrel, and that I had dirty work to do for him 
other than sweeping out the office. But, as you know, beggars 
can't be choosers, and poverty must often chew a hard crust; so 
I had to eat humble pie till something better turned up. At last, 
a generous friend who had influence with the powers that be, 
tried to procure me a fat politcal job working for Uncle Sam. 

Selwyn. Good, in what capacity? 

Peter. Literary. Reading the newspapers for five hours a 
day. But unfortunately for me I had to pass a sort of a civil 
service examination to get the job, and it was to make a 



g Peter Piper's Troubles 

respectable appearance that I took the liberty of borrowing your 
best coat yesterday. 

Selwyn. Oh, never mind the coat. You are welcome to that. 
But tell me, how did you pass? 

Peter. Right out through the gate after the examination, a 
sadder, but a wiser man; like your picture I was rejected and 
dejected. The first question the old examiner asked me was 
"Where was Orion." I told him I didn't have the pleasure of 
knowing the gentleman personally, but from his Celtic name I 
imagined he lived somewhere in Ireland. 

Selwyn. Why, Peter, Orion is one of the heavenly constella- 
tions. 

Peter. That may be so, but it's no earthly consolation for me 
to know it now. I thought O' Ryan was the name of some 
Irish alderman. 

Selwyn (laughing). Peter, you should have read up on 
astronomy. Well, what happened next? 

Peter. I was firmly, but politely, informed that I might go 
and not trouble myself to come back. 

Selwyn. Rejected? 

Peter. By an overwhelming majority. I was left at the post. 
(Crosses and hands coat to Selwyn) There's your coat and 
many thanks for use of same. 

Selwyn (examining coat). Why, it's torn up the back! 

Peter. Quite a sad accident I assure you. I'll tell you how 
that happened. In order to get home and tell the glorious news 
of my successful failure, I had the misfortune to cut across lots. 
I never dreamed that there was a pugnacious William Goat 
" Who was waiting my darling for me." He saw me coming. 
I ran as fast as my two legs could carry me, but that Billy 
Goat was some sprinter and his four legs carried him much 
faster, and just as I reached the fence he raised me one from 
behind, and I passed over that fence on to the road ; wrong side 
up with care. The coat caught upon a nail in the fence, and 
behold the result. Of course there was no use in my stopping 
to argue the matter with that William Goat. I didn't even wait 
to demand an apology. The coat can yet be repaired, " It's 
never too late to mend," you know. 

Selwyn (throzvs coat on sofa and sits). Oh, it makes no 
difference. What business has a poor devil of an artist like me 
with a dress coat? 

Peter (sits r. of table as before). To wear of course, not as 
an ornament certainly. You poor Selwyn that's a good joke, ha, 
ha, ha ! 



]?eter Piper's Troubles rt 

Selwyn. I can't see what you're laughing at. Poverty is no 
j oke. 

Peter. Of course you may consider it none of my business, 
but as a matter of curiosity, I should like to know who is that 
middle-aged, wealthy and aristocratic looking lady who occa- 
sionally comes here in a handsome carriage? 

Selwyn. To be candid with you I have a wealthy lady 
customer who comes here sometimes, but her visits are strictly 
professional. 

Peter. Oh, strictly professional, of course, and not at all 
sentimental, though an artist's studio is a romantic trysting place 
for devoted lovers. 

Selwyn (rises). There's no sentiment at all about it. Mrs. 
Barrington is 

Peter {jumping up). Mrs. Barrington? I wish you joy, my 
dear fellow, you're on the high road to fortune. 

Selwyn. But I assure you she's a person of respectability. 

Peter. Of course she is. I didn't say anything to the con- 
trary, did I? 

Selwyn. You see, her late husband died 

Peter. Died early one fine morning and left her a wealthy but 
charming widow. Allow me to congratulate you once more. 
{Shakes his hand) 

Selwyn. Her late husband was an extensive dealer in pork. 

Peter. Yes, he was mostly and profitably on the hog; in fact 
he hogged everything in sight. 

Selwi'N. He accumulated a large fortune. 

Peter. For you to spend. The money he made in^ lard the 
fair widow and yourself will now proceed to melt down. Such is 
life. What one man gathers, another man scatters. 

Selwyn. After her husband's death, the widow became a 
leader of fashion and a connoisseur of art. 

Peter. Connoisseur of art? What does she know of art? 

Selwyn. Nothing at all, and yet as much as most people who 
make greater pretensions. But she's a good customer and a man 
mustn't quarrel with his bread and butter. 

Peter. Nor kill the goose that lays the golden egg. But when 
you marry the charming and wealthy widow common bread and 
butter will not satisfy you. You'll live on quail on toast, angel 
cake and the fat of the land. Have you painted her picture yet? 

Selwyn. Yes, three of them; in different positions, but she 
doesn't seem satisfied with those I have taken. 

Peter {laughing). She never will be satisfied until she has 
taken the artist as well as the pictures. It's a woman's way. 

Selwyn. What do you mean? 



10 !Peter Piper's Troubles 

Peter. I mean that you are either the greatest blockhead of 
the biggest hypocrite I ever met. You're too foolish to be at 
large, when the fool-killer is around, ha, ha, ha ! Can't you see 
the wealthy widow is desperately in love with you ? 

Selwyn (rising). In love with me, nonsense — nothing of the 
kind. It's all foolishness. 

Peter. Yes, of course, love is all foolishness, but such things 
have happened ever since that innocent flirtation between Adam 
and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Take my advice and don't let 
such a rich prize slip through your hands. Go in and win her; 
don't be too bashful. Modesty is the young man's worst com- 
panion. 

Selwyn. No, no. Besides I love another, who deserves and 
returns that love. 

Peter. Yes; the young and accomplished music teacher, Doris 
Chester, whose only fault is that she is poor. 

Selwyn. What of that? To me she is the best, the noblest, 
the truest girl in the world. (Bell rings off stage) 

Jonah Bundy (off stage). Is Mr. Kilby at home? 

Selwyn. That's Jonah Bundy's voice. 

Peter. I thought it was a steam calliope or a fog-horn. I 
never did like Jonah. Is he a friend of yours? 

Selwyn. Yes, and he is a philanthropist in the widest sense 
of the word. He never seems to weary of laboring for the 
benefit of the human race. 

Peter. The human race must run on his own legs then. He 
always looks out for number one first, last, and all the time. 
He's a sort of law partner of old Grubbins, and they are birds 
of a feather. A nice pair to draw to. It's my opinion they're 
playing some deep, dishonest game together. (Jonah coughs 
off stage) 

Selwyn. Hush, he is here ! 

Peter (sits in arm-chair r. of table, conceals himself with 
newspaper, turns hack to l.). I wish I was out of here. 

ENTER Jonah Bundy, c. d. 

Jonah Bundy (crosses and sits on sofa). Good day, my dear 
friend Kilby. These hard times should open the hearts of the 
rich to the sufferings of their fellow men. It touches me, sir, 
indeed it does. It touches me deeply. 

Peter (aside). I'd like to see anyone touch him and gain 
anything by it. 

Jonah (aside, to Selwyn). Who is your visitor? (Indicates 
Peter. Bell rings off staga) 



iPeter Piper's Troubled JI 

Selwyn. Excuse me a moment. That may be a customer. 

[EXIT c. D. 

Peter. Don't mention it, sir. I'll forgive you if you don't do 
it again. 

Jonah. Don't do what again? 

Peter. Whatever it was you were apologizing for. 

Jonah (aside). A very eccentric individual, but he may be 
rich. (Aloud) Nasty weather we're having, sir. 

Peter. No doubt, sir, but don't blame me for it, I didn't make 
it. 

Jonah (aside). This fellow must be crazy. I wish I could 
see his face. (Aloud) My dear sir, could I enlist your 
sympathy and assistance for the widows and the orphans ? 

Peter. I beg to be excused. You see I have so many orphans 
in my own family that I cannot possibly assist them. As you 
know, charity should commence at home. 

Jonah (produces paper). Then sir, a small donation for the 
heathen will be thankfully received. 

Peter (throws newspaper down. Rises). I have no doubt. 
But you don't get a red cent out of me, Mr. Jonah Bundy. 

Jonah (crosses to r. corner. Aside). The devil! It's Grub- 
bins' clerk; and I've been wasting my eloquence on a pauper. 

ENTER Selwyn c. d. Carries paper box. 

Selwyn. Here's something mysterious that has been sent to 
me. T told the messenger that there must have been some 
mistake, but he insisted that it was all correct and he handed me 
the receipted bill. (Places box on table, opens it, takes out a 
small handsome clock, places it on stand L.) 

Peter. Well done, Mr. Modesty, the first installment of Master 
Cupid's gifts. Search again till we see what more treasures 
Dame Fortune may have showered upon you. 

Selwyn. Oh, search for yourself. I've got something else to 
do just now. (Crosses c. to picture on easel) 

Jonah (in l. corner). This sudden windfall is very 
suspicious. I wonder who could have sent him those presents. 
He may be a burglar in the disguise of an artist. I have heard 
of people leading a double life. And it's so hard nowadays to 
know whom to trust. 

Peter. Hello, what else have we got here ? As I live ! A 
smoking- jacket and a cap'. (Lady's handkerchief falls out of 
jacket) 

Jonah (crosses r. to table). Genuine stuff, handsome and 
costly. Let me see. 



J 2 l*eter I'iper's Troubles 

Peter (intercepting him). Excuse me, Mr. Jonah Bundy, you 
may look but you mustn't touch. Mr. Selwyn has made me his 
private secretary and I will see all that is to be seen and report 
thereon to my superior. You will please keep off the grass and 
attend to your widows and orphans. 

Jonah (crosses to l. corner. Aside). Impertinent puppy. 

Selwyn (comes down c). Who the deuce could have sent 
them, I wonder? 

Peter. I don't know, perhaps it was one of Jonah Bundy's 
widows or orphans. 

Jonah. Don't be sarcastic, Peter Piper. You should respect 
your superiors. 

Peter. So I do, when I meet them. I can guess who sent 
them. An unknown admirer, evidently a lady, who appreciates 
your talent and adopts this delicate way of returning some 
obligation. 

Selwyn. Peter, you speak as if you knew who sent them. 
Won't you tell me who it is?' 

Peter. I have my suspicions, but I don't know for certain. I 
guess there's a woman in the case. 

Selwyn (laughs, crosses l. to stand, picks up clock). A 
woman indeed. I should like very much to find out who she is. 

Jonah (aside). And so should I. 

ENTER Doris d. l. 

Doris. How do you do Mr. Kilby? (Noticing clock) Oh, 
what a pretty clock! How much did you pay for it? 

Selwyn. Why, the fact of it is that I — I — didn't pay for it. 

Doris. Oh, I understand, you got it on credit. Well, how 
much did it cost? (Turns, sees jacket and cap) And these 
too, goodness gracious ! Santa Claus must have paid you an 
early visit. Who has been scattering such precious gifts around 
here, Mr. Kilby? 

Selwyn (hesitatingly). I am sure, Miss Qiester — really — I 
don't know. 

Doris. Or you don't care to tell, which is it? Oh, excuse a 
woman's curiosity, of course it's none of my business. Well, 
I must be going or I'll be too late in giving my lesson. What can 
I have done with my handkerchief? Oh, here it is. (Picks up 
handkerchief, examines it) No, this is not mine, but it's a lady's 
and initials worked in the corner W. B. Who is W. B. ? 

Peter. Winifred Barrington. 

Selwyn. If it is hers, she must have dropped it here this 
morning. 



Peter Piper's Troubles , 12 

Jonah. No such a thing. I saw it drop out of the smoking- 
jacket there which was sent to you. 

Doris (hands handkerchief to Selwyn). Then Mr. Kilby, you 
had better return it to the lady (Crosses to c. d.) "Render 
unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's." (At c. b.) Good day, 
Mr. Kilby. 

Selwyn (crosses to c. d.). Doris, hear me, allow me one last 
word. [EXIT Doris c. d. 

Peter. Foolish man, don't you know that a woman always has 
the last word? 

Selwyn (throws Jmndkerchief over picture up c. Aside). 
Curse that handkerchief and Jonah Bundy's meddling tongue. 

[EXIT c. D. 

Jonah. I fear our friend Kilby is in trouble. 

Peter. Yes, and you helped to get him into it. But then he's 
in love and that means trouble the world over. The course of 
true love never did run smoothly, you know. 

Jonah (sits on sofa). By the way, Peter Piper is your name, 
is it not? 

Peter (spouting). Yes sir, Peter Piper is my name, America 
is my nation, and Uncle Sam has won his fame by licking all 
creation. And that's no lie. 

Jonah. I have seen your intelligent face in Daniel Grubbins' 
law office and I've taken an interest in you. 

Peter (aside). Taffy on a stick. I bet he has an axe to grind. 
He has taken an interest in me, I wonder if it's simple or com- 
pound interest. (Aloud) Oh, you flatter me, sir, indeed you do. 

Jonah. I take an interest in everthing that concerns the 
welfare of my fellow creatures. 

Peter. Well, I don't. I just mind my own business and let 
my fellow creatures do the same. 

Jonah. A very good idea, my friend. Tell me, is the young 
lady who just left, a sweetheart of Mr. Kilby's? 

Peter. Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies. Oh, 
well, as it's an open secret, I may tell you that they are 
betrothed. Didn't you notice how jealous she was about that 
handkerchief ? 

Jonah. Yes, I observed her agitation, ha, ha, she fears a rival 
then? 

Peter. Yes, a rival, and a dangerous one she'll find in the 
person of the wealthy Mrs. Barrington. 

Jonah (aside). Mrs. Barrington? The very woman I had 
secretly marked for my own. 

Peter. Selwyn Kilby is not only a good artist, but a great 



14 Peter Piper's Troubles 

lady killer. It's not his fault that he is handsome, any more 
than it is mine. Beauty runs in his family as it does in mine. 
Then who can blame the charming Mrs. Barrington for falling 
in love with him? Not I, for one. 

Jonah (aside). I, for one, blame her and I mean to get 
square with him. (Aloud) But, do you really think that a 
wealthy and sensible woman like Mrs. Barrington would marry 
such a pauper? 

Peter (rises). As the poet says "Love, like death, levels all 
ranks and lays the shepherd's crook beside the sceptre." Still, 
I don't think that she will ever marry him; for the very good 
reason that he will never marry her. It takes two to make that 
kind of a bargain. Besides, he's deeply attached to his first and 
only love, Doris Chester. 
Jonah. Doris — Doris — What did you say her last name is? 
Peter. Chester. Doris Chester. It's not a very common 
name. 

Jonah (aside). It's a very uncommon one. I well remember 
making a memorandum of it. (Opens note book. Aloud) My 
friend, what do you know of this young woman's past history? 
Peter. My dear and honored sir, I am not at present engaged 
in writing the past histories of young women, neither am I a 
census taker, for further particulars I refer you to the young 
lady herself. (Takes up newspaper, sits l. of table R., reads) 

Jonah (reads from note book) "She was deprived of her 
parents at an early age, and now supports herself by teaching 
music." 

Peter. Exactly, precisely, just to a dot. (Sings) "Do, Re, 
Mi, Fa, So, La, Si, Do." She endeavors to teach the young 
musical idea how to shoot, and sharps and flats are her long 
suit. You evidently knew her then? 

Jonah (aside). This idiot is altogether too inquisitive. 
(Aloud) Ahem! Yes, that is, slightly, in the past. Three years 
ago she lived in Boston with an aged female relative. 

Peter. Exactly, precisely, just to a dot. But ever since the 
death of the aforesaid benevolent old lady she has come to 
reside in this neighborhood. (Takes newspaper, reads as before) 
Jonah (aside). It's the same girl beyond a doubt; the one I 
have been searching for over all New York. She to whom old 
Richard Allison, the eccentric millionaire, left his vast wealth. 
But as yet she is ignorant of her good fortune. (Rises and 

closes note book) I'll make further inquiries and then 

Peter (aside). I'd like to know what that old crocodile has 
under his hat besides his empty head, I guess I'll have to chase 



Peter Piper's Troubles jt 

him; I'm tired of his company anyway. (Rises) Say, Mr. 
Bundy, I'm going to ask a great favor of you. 

Jonah. Mr. Piper, I shall be only too happy to grant it. That 
is — that is 

Peter (aside). That is, if it doesn't cost him anything. 
(Aloud) You believe everything the Bible teaches of course? 

Jonah. I most certainly do. 

Peter. There is one passage which says that it is more blessed 
to give than to receive. Now there's a poor unfortunate friend 
of mine who is in trouble and five dollars will save him from 
jail. Will you give that amount to assist him? It's a mere trifle 
to you. 

Jonah (crosses to c. d.). I'll think about it, young man. I 
have some important business to attend to just now; as I said 
before, I'll think about it. 

Peter. Generous hearted man, don't you forget to think 
about it. 

Jonah (aside). Insolent puppy. I wouldn't give him a cent 
if he was dying. [EXIT c. d. 

Peter (laughing^ crosses to sofa). The miserly old skinflint! 
He thinks more of five dollars than he does of his life. It 
was a capital plan to get rid of him though. 

ENTER Selwyn c. d. 

Selwyn. Confound the luck! She wouldn't listen to my 
explanation. 

Peter. Another lover's quarrel? 

Selwyn. Damn that handkerchief and Jonah Bundy's 
meddling tongue, telling that he saw it falling out of the 
smoking- jacket. 

Peter. It was a peculiar predicament, an awkward situation 
that you couldn't lie out of without getting caught. 

Selwyn. And I couldn't explain without mentioning names. 

Peter. Especially the name of the charming Mrs. Barrington. 
That was the firebrand that started the conflagration. 

Selwyn. It was that confounded clock that first roused her 
suspicions. It shan't remain another moment. I'll throw it into 
the street. (Taking clock, starts c.) 

Peter (intercepts him). Stop. Don't you know that time 
thrown away can never be recalled? Let me be your time 
keeper. Since you do not appreciate the value of time, it shall 
adorn my humble apartment, called a sky parlor. 

Selwyn. You can have it. (Gives clock to Peter) I detest 
the very sight of it, (Crosses up c. to picture) 



1 6 Peter Piper's Troubles 

Peter. Well, I don't. It has an open, honest face, and I can 
say to it " I once saved you from total destruction. You are 
now mine and out of gratitude you must keep regular hours, 
neither too fast nor too slow. Don't go on a strike, nor stop 
altogether unless your system is run down, or you've got wheels 
in your head. Keep your hands before your face, as every 
modest, well-behaved clock should. That's all I shall ask of 
you." I say, Selwyn, will you show me that last picture of 
yours? What do you call it? 

Selwyn. "A Rose Between Two Thorns." Come this way. 

[EXIT D. L. 

Peter (crosses to d. l.). Rose was a very foolish girl to get 
between two thorns; she must have been stuck on them. 
(Looking at clock) I wonder if this is one of those eight day 
clocks that runs twenty- four hours ; well, " Time will tell." 

[EXIT D. L. 

ENTER Doris c. d. 

Doris. No one here? I've come back to apologize to Selwyn 
for my ridiculous jealousy; I was too hasty. It was ungenerous 
of me to suspect one who is the soul of honor. And yet I must 
confess that I am jealous of Winifred Barrington, who, if re- 
ports are true, is a scheming, designing widow. I shall see Selwyn 
and tell him the cause of my strange conduct. I will never 
again wound his heart by a single doubt. (Betsy heard singing 
off R.) That's Betsy's voice. I can find out from her if Mr. 
Kilby will soon return. [EXIT d. r. 

ENTER Peter d. i,. 

Peter (places clock on stand, crosses to table). Well, I must 
admit that Selwyn's " A Rose Between Two Thorns " is a 
beautiful picture. I don't believe I could have done better 
myself; it's just as pretty as a yellow dog under a red wagon 
going to a county fair. I'm playing in big luck. Kilby has made 
me a present of the cap and smoking-jacket as well as the clock. 
I wish she had sent him a diamond ring along with the rest of 
the goods and chattels. (Puts on jacket and cap. Laughing) 
The wheel of fortune stopped at my lucky number this time. 
Mrs. Barrington couldn't have selected them better if she had 
had them made to order. She must have sized up my manly 
figure when I wasn't looking. (Feeling in pockets) I always 
like to feel in the pockets of other people's clothes; there might 



Peter Piper's Troubles 1 7 

be a stray dollar bill or a dynamite bomb in them. {Finds 
letter in pocket, smells note) Scented, ha, ha! It's from a 
woman, of course. New mown hay fresh from the farm. 
" Oh, roses and posies to snuff up your nosies." The note is 
not addressed to anyone in particular so there can be no harm 
in my reading it, and being in love myself, love letters have a 
special charm for me. {Sits in arm-chair. Opens letter. Reads) 
" From Winifred to Selwyn." Ha, ha ! It's from the love-sick 
Mrs. Barrington. 

ENTER Betsey d. r., listens. 

Peter. The widow is deeply in love and no mistake. She's 
dead gone. {Reads) " Only to call thee mine, — to call thee 
mine. For thy sweet love I would pine — would pine." She must 
mean pine wood, I guess she's in the lumber business as well 
as in the poetry business. {Reads) " The violet's blue, the 
rose is red, I am yours until I'm dead." 

Betsy {aside). She will be a dead one, if ever I lay my hands 
on her, for trying to steal my Peter Piper away from me. 
I'll scratch her eyes out, so I will. [EXIT d. r. 

Peter. Oh, love, sweet love, what foolishness is committed 
in thy name. {Yawns) I'm getting sleepy, that poetry was 
too much for me. {Yawns. Places newspaper over face, goes 
to sleep) 

ENTER Mrs. Barrington c. d. 

Mrs. Barrington {looking around). Selwyn not here? I 
wonder if he received the presents I sent him. {Seeing clock 
on stand, up l. c.) Yes, sure enough, there's the clock. I almost 
blush for my boldness in coming here so often, but love, sweet 
love will dare everything. {Coming c.) I wonder if he 
reciprocates my affection. (ENTER Betsy d. r., remains near 
door, listens) Surely, after all the costly presents I have sent 
him, he cannot be insensible of the depth of my devotion. {Sees 
Peter) Ah, there is my own love now, and sound asleep, doubt- 
less dreaming of me. 

Betsy {aside). Dreaming of her! Oh, let me get an axe. 

[EXIT D. R. 

Mrs. Barrington (Peter snores). Eh, did you speak, Selwyn 
dear? He is holding in his hand the love letter I sent. Then 
he must know the true state of my feelings towards him. He 
also wears the smoking-jacket I sent him, so I'm certain that my 



l8 Peter Piper's Troubles 

love is returned. {Calls softly) Selwyn dear, 'tis I, your own 
Winifred. (Peter snores loudly) Good gracious! He's snor- 
ing, how very unromantic ! I've heard that if you place a 
person's left hand in cold water while they are sleeping, they'll 
reveal their most secret thoughts. I'll make the experiment, and 
at the same time put his love to a test. [EXIT d. r. 

Peter {throwing down newspaper). What's that she says — 
" Put my love in a chest ? " This is getting altogether too hot 
for me. I only hope my Betsy Bolivar doesn't catch the widow 
making love to me. I guess I'd better get out of here before 
she comes back with that water. But I can't go on the street 
in these togs; I'd be arrested as an escaped lunatic. So here 
goes to take them off. {Takes off coat, etc. Noise heard off 
D. R.) Oh, Lord! she's coming back with the water. I wish 
she'd make it beer. I don't believe in the cold water cure. 
{Sits as before, pretends to be asleep) 

ENTER Mrs. Barrington d. r., with glass of water. Crosses to 

Peter. 

Mrs. Barrington. Now comes the cold water test. {Places 
Peter's hand in glass of water) Now, Selwyn dear, do you love 
your own Winifred? 

Peter {jumps up, throws off newspaper). Hanged if I know. 
You'd better ask him. 

Mrs. Barrington {screams, crosses to sofa). Oh, you wretch! 
{Falls on sofa) 

Peter. She has fainted ! Oh, Lord, I'd better get out of here:.: 
{Rushes UP, gets clock) Time flies and so will I. 

[EXIT c. a 

ENTER Selwyn d. l., sees Mrs. Barrington on sofa. 

Selwyn. Mrs. Barrington here, and fainted. What has 
happened, I wonder? 

ENTER D. R. Betsy, who carries an axe. 

Selwyn {raises Mrs. Barrington). Look up, Mrs. Barring- 
ton, and speak to me. 

ENTER Peter c. d. 

Mrs. Barrington. Selwyn dear, is that you? I feel better 
now. {Falls into his arms) 
Peter {laughing). Oh, yes! She feels better now. 

Betsy r. Peter c. Selwyn and Mrs. Barrington l, 
CURTAIN. 



Peter Piper's Troubles jg 



ACT II. 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. A few days later. Bag of flour, 
rolling-pin, large tin bowl, and plate of doughnuts and 
biscuits on table. Darning needle and stocking on chair r. 
of table. Screen down l. DISCOVERED Betsy at easel. 

Betsy. If there's one thing I like better than something else 
it's pictures. I wish I could paint pictures instead of washing 
dishes. I hate housework, especially when one don't get much 
pay for it. {Goes c.) I was cut out for a lady, but someone 
stole the pattern, and now I'm only a misfit and must earn my 
daily bread by the sweat of my brow. Speaking of bread re- 
minds me that I must put some bread in sponge. {Pours flour 
in bowl) They do say that when things are at the worst, they 
always take a turn. If I was a man and had my life to live over 
again I'd be in politics. A politician is the only man who is 
smart enough to get a good fat living without working for it. 
What did I do with my darning-needle? {Looks on chair r.) 
Oh, here it is. {Picks it up) Oh, darn the old stocking any- 
way. {Throws it in arm-chair R.) A woman's work is never 
done. 

ENTER Mrs. Barrington c. d. 

Mrs. Harrington. Young woman, can you tell me if Mr. 
Kilby is in? 

Betsy. I can't tell you he is in,- because he is out. 

Mrs. Barrington. Oh, that's too bad. {Looks at watch) 
I had an appointment with him for a sitting about this hour. 
Do you think he will return soon? 

Betsy. Yes, ma'am, I guess he'll be back when he's swallowed 
a free lunch. {Crosses to table) 

Mrs. Barrington. A free lunch! Does he eat free lunches? 

Betsy. Sometimes he's got to ; when he's far from home and 
he ain't got the price of a regular dinner. Beggars can't be 
choosers, you know. {Busy with flour on table) 

Mrs. Barrington {aside). Poor Selwyn, what a miserable life 
for him. I must find some way to relieve his sufferings. 
{Aloud) I'll remain a short time to see if he'll return. My good 
girl, what do you do around here? {Sits l. of table) 

PJET3Y {at upper end of table). Oh, a little of everything. I 



20 Peter Piper's Troubles 

work for Mr. Kilby, keep the studio in good order, cook his 
meals when there's any to cook, and do chores or any old thing. 

Mrs. Barrington. But if Mr. Kilby is as poor as you say he 
is, how can he afford to pay you any salary? 

Betsy. The answer to that is, he don't pay me just at present, 
but I'll trust him for he is one of the men a woman can trust. 
His word is as good as his bond. I ain't afraid of him; he'll 
pay me when he gets good and ready, and that'll be time enough 
for me. 

Mrs. Barrington (aside). What a devoted creature! 
(Aloud) What is your name, girl? 

Betsy. Betsy Bolivar every day in the week and twice on 
Sunday. 

Mrs. Barrington. Well, Betsy, you seem to be a good honest 
girl, and a faithful servant, and such devotion should be re- 
warded. (Takes bills from purse) You must accept this trifling 
present of twenty dollars from me. 

Betsy. Twenty dollars ! Oh, Lor ! These rich folks must be 
very wealthy. Oh, ma'am, I — I 

Mrs. Barrington. But I insist, it's only a mere trifle and will 
enable you to buy a new dress. Now Betsy, your frankness 
emboldens me to confide in you. But first I must ask you, have 
you a lover? 

Betsy. Well, ma'am, I think I have, but I ain't quite sure. 
The men are such slippery cusses. They're very much like 
the Irishman's flea. When you think you have them they ain't 
there. But to the best of my opinion Peter Piper is my steady 
company at present. 

Mrs. Barrington. Peter Piper! What a very peculiar name. 
Then, Betsy, you can sympathize with me, for you must know 
what love is. 

Betsy. Somebody says it's a ticklish sensation around the 
heart that you can't scratch. 

Mrs. Barrington. That is one definiton, but I can give 
you a better one of the tender passion " Love is the union of 
two souls with but one single thought, two hearts that beat as 
one." 

Betsy. Oh, that's fine, that's like beating an egg with a double 
yolk, ain't it? 

Mrs. Barrington. Well, a little, though it's coming from the 
sublime to the ridiculous. (Jonah Bundy knocks at c. d. Mrs. 
Barrington rises, leaves pocketbook on table) Someone's com- 
ing; perhaps it's Mr. Kilby. 

Betsy. Or perhaps it may be Peter Piper Esquire. (Crosses 



Peter Piper's Troubles 21 

UP, peeps through key-hole c. d.) Stung again. It's neither; but 
it's Jonah Bundy, old Grubbins' law partner. A pair of precious 
rogues, both of them. 

Mrs. Barrington. As I do not care to meet this person, can 
you not conceal me till he's gone? 

Betsy {crosses to u i e.). Yes, ma'am, you step into this room 
until he's gone. He ain't a welcome visitor so I guess he won't 
stop long; that is, if I can help it. His room is better than his 
company and that's not saying much for either. So you just hide 
yourself in this room and if you'll only hold your breath for ten 
minutes you'll be all O. K. That's where master keeps his 
models, bric-a-brac and other junk. 

Mrs. Barrington {crosses fo l. i e. Drops handkerchief c). 
Don't forget to tell me when he's gone. [EXIT l. i e. 

Betsy. I guess I'll hide behind the screen till I see what he'll 
do when he thinks there's no one at home. {Hides behind screen 
Jonah knocks at c. d. Pause) 

ENTER Jonah c. d. 

Jonah. I beg pardon. Ahem! Nobody in, eh? 

Betsy {aside). Liar! 

Jonah. Eh, what's that ? Most remarkable ! I thought I 
heard someone calling my name that time. I presume Kilby 
can't be long away; I'll wait till he returns. {Sits in arm-chair 
on needle. Jumps up quickly) The devil! What's that? 
{Finds needle) A darning needle! Curse Betsy Bolivar. This 
is no place for it. {Crosses, sits l. of table, takes out memo- 
randum book) Well, I flatter myself, I've done a good day's 
work ; a very good day's work indeed. Let me see, I find that my 
information is quite correct so far. I can feather my own nest 
very comfortably, and at the same time outwit old Grubbins ! Ha, 
ha, ha! 

Betsy {imitates him). Ha, ha, ha! 

Jonah. Strange, I thought I heard a voice. It may be only 
an echo, I've heard of such things being in some houses. 
{Reads from paper) " Doris Chester, who is at present a 
teacher of music, resided three years ago in Boston with an 
aged and very wealthy invalid. She is the sole heiress of the 
late Richard Allison, the eccentric millionaire." Eccentric, bah ! 
the old fool was clean crazy to leave his entire fortune to this 
girl, simply because she could play the piano like an angel. She 
entertained him, or rather she hypnotized him, with the national 
airs " Yankee Doodle," " The Star Spangled Banner," and 



22 Peter Piper's Troubles 

" Marching Through Georgia." And to make matters worse, old 
Grubbins has this will in his possession and will use it to feather 
his own nest, by plucking the newly-iiedged heiress. But I'll be 
hanged 

Betsy {half aloud). You bet, you'll be hanged. 

Jonah {rises). Confound that echo. It's getting altogether 
too personal. As I said before, old Grubbins is not going to 
have the lion's share if I know my business, and I think I do. 
Ha, ha, ha ! 

Betsy {aside, imitating him). Ha, ha, ha! 

Jonah. Damn that echo ! It gets on my nerves. If I could 
only marry the wealthy Mrs. Barrington, I would sever all busi- 
ness relations with old Grubbins. Then I could laugh at them all. 
I'll propose to her the first chance I get. " Faint heart ne'er won 
fair lady." 

Betsy {comes c. singing). "Beautiful Doll, etc." 

Jonah. Oh, Betsy, is that you? 

Betsy. I guess so, you didn't imagine it was my great grand- 
mother's ghost, did you? 

Jonah {aside). I wonder if she has been listening. I must 
try and find out. {Aloud) I didn't hear you enter, where did 
you come from? 

Betsy {spouting). 1 came from the cradle and I'm going to 
the grave. Ha, ha, ha! Ain't you glad you found out? 

Jonah {aside). Saucy minx! {Aloud) I'm surprised to see 
that you're still here. I heard that you had left. 

Betsy. Oh, you heard that, did you? Well let me tell you 
that your hearing apparatus is out of order; it needs oiling. 
I never get left. But there are others who sometimes very often 
do get left. 

Jonah. I want a civil answer. 

Betsy. If you want a civil answer do not ask an impertinent 
question. 

Jonah. Where is your master? 

Betsy. I have no master on earth. I am no man's slave. 
But if you mean my employer, he is out. I can't tell how much 
he is out or how soon he'll be in. {Spoiiting) " Where he is, 
and how he fares, nobody knows and nobody cares." {Crosses 
to upper end of table busy making dough, etc.) 

Jonah. Listen to me, Miss Impudence. I came here on busi- 
ness and not to be made a fool of. 

Betsy. Oh, Mr. Jonah Bundy, you didn't have to come here to 
be made a fool of, oh, no indeed. {Laughs) 

Jonah. Are you guying me? 



Peter Piper's Troubles ^^ 

Betsy. Oh, dear, no, just having a little fun at your expense, 
that's all. Girls will be girls you know. 

Jonah. You tell Mr. Kilby that his rent is overdue now and 
I'll come back for it this evening. 

Betsy (sings). "I don't care if you never come back." 

Jonah. You can also tell him that I shan't take " No " for an 
answer. 

Betsy. How would " nit " do for an answer ? 

Jonah (crosses to c. d.). Remember, if the rent isn't paid, I'm 
going to turn you all out of my house. 

Betsy. Oh, you are, eh ? And let me tell you one thing, Jonah 
Bundy, the devil never yet closed one door, but the good 
Lord opened another. Yours ain't the only shanty in the block. 
So run along and peddle your papers, little boy. 

Jonah (at c. a). You talk mighty independently for a 
pauper. 

Betsy (rushes at him with rolling-pin which she has been using 
at table). Pauper! You dare to call me a pauper, eh! You old 
bow-legged, knock-kneed, hump-backed, baldheaded, walking 
scarescrow. I've got money to burn. (Takes out money, shows 
it to Jonah) A pauper! Me a pauper! Why, I'm a lady of 
quality. (Crosses back to table) 

Jonah (aside). I wonder where she got it! (Aloud) Oh, 
Betsy, my dear, I was only joking. You are a dear, good, kind- 
hearted girl. 

Betsy. Oh, taffy on a stick. 

Jonah. What's that? 

Betsy. I said you made me sick. 

Jonah. But where did you get so much money? Where did it 
all come from? 

Betsy. My dear, kind, good Mr. Bundy, you won't give me 
away if I tell you? 

Jonah. Never. Upon the word of a gentleman. 

Betsy. Well, it came from the United States treasury. 

Jonah. Impertinent hussy. In what school were you taught 
your manners? 

Betsy. In the same school where you were taught your 
honesty. 

Jonah. I'll get even with you for this insult. I'm not through 
yet! 

Betsy (takes handful of flour). No? Then you'd better get 
through that door pretty quick. (Throws flour at Bundy) 

Jonah (wiping off flour). I'll have the law on you for this. 

Betsy. All right. I might as well be killed for stealing a 



2A Peter Piper's Troubles 

sheep as a lamb. Let's have a little more law. {Throws flour 
on him. Jonah EXITS c. d. as Peter ENTERS c. a Peter gets 
flour intended for Jonah. Betsy crosses to table, laughing) Oh, 
Peter Piper, you're a white man, 

Peter {brushing off flour). So I see. I'm the flour of the 
family, so to speak, though I'm not proud of the honor. 

Betsy, Well, Peter, I'm to blame. It was an accident. 

Peter. Yes, but I haven't taken out an accident insurance 
policy. 

Betsy. That flour was intended for Jonah Bundy. 

Peter. And his loss was my misfortune. Miss Betsy Bolivar. 
Don't you know that a certain place is supposed to be paved 
with good intentions, and I guess you've got the contract. How- 
ever, I'll forgive you this time, so let's kiss and be friends. 
(Kisses Betsy, gets flour on her face) 

Betsy {laughs). I guess there was enough and some to go 
around. (Crosses to r. of table, sits) 

Peter (sitting l. of table). Well Betsy, light of my life, what's 
the news? Is there anything new under the sun, on the top 
of the earth, or in the waters beneath? 

Betsy. Yes, lots. 

Peter, Corner lots, house lots, or graveyard lots? 

Betsy (confidentially, across table). Do you know, I'm so full 
of news that I'm ready to burst! 

Peter. You take my advice and don't do it. It's a bad 
position to be busted. I've been there and can speak from bitter 
experience. It's an awful lonesome, empty sort of feeling. 

Betsy. Well, Peter, if you're empty, fill up on these doughnuts 
while I tell you all the news. (Hands him doughnuts) 

Peter (eats). Thanks for small favors; larger ones in porpor- 
tion. Now Miss Bolivar proceed with your great state secrets. 
I shall lend you a willing ear. 

Betsy. Thanks. I've got ears of my own. Well, in the 
first place I overheard Jonah Bundy talking to himself a short 
time ago. He was planning, and plotting to beat the band. . 

Peter. He could never do it. 

Betsy. Never do what? 

Peter. Beat the band; he might manage to beat the bass- 
drum, but not the whole band. 

Betsy. Oh, you're talking through your hat. (Peter quickly 
takes off hat, places it on knee) There's nothing impossible, 
have you never heard of a one man band. Ha, ha! 

Peter (laughing, coughs zvith mouthful of doughnuts). Thafs 
very funny, Betsy. But to continue your interesting story— what 



Peter Piper's Troubles 25 

was the aforesaid Bundy planning and plotting about? Was 
it to overthrow the United States government? 

Betsy. No. It was all about Miss Doris Chester. He said 
that she was a rich heiress, but that she didn't know it. And 
he and old Grubbins were going to feather their nests before 
she ever got a cent. And old Bundy is coming back here this 
evening to turn us all inside out. But he shan't turn us out. 
When the time comes I'll fool him, you bet, and he ain't the first 
man I've fooled. 

Peter. I guess you're right there, Betsy. But, my heart's 
adored, idol of my soul, I have news to impart to your willing 
ear. I am going to strike old Grubbins 

Betsy. Oh, don't do that, Peter. He might have you arrested. 

Peter. Betsy Bolivar, you jump at conclusions like a kitten 
jumps at its own tail. I was about to say that I was going to 
strike old Grubbins for a raise, and if he refuses me there's 
going to be trouble. Armed with the facts which you have 
imparted to me I shall have this pair of swindlers in my grasp, 
and I'll squeeze them good and hard, you bet. The saying is that 
" Knowledge is power." I now realize the truth of that proverb, 
and what's more, I'm going to put it into practice e'er the 
setting of another sun. I cannot support a wife and a possible — 
or shall I say probable family 

Betsy. Oh fudge, Peter! 

Peter. Thanks. I don't want any fudge in mine. We've got 
to look facts squarely in the face. I can't support a wife on the 
paltry salary of three and a half dollars per week. Betsy, I can't 
stand it. I tell you I've got to have more dough. 

Betsy (offering doughnut) . Then have another doughnut. 

Peter. I'll beg to be excused for a life time. I haven't the 
healthy digestion of a billygoat, or I would try and assimilate 
one more. {Knock heard at c. d.) 

Betsy. Someone's coming, Peter. 

Peter {jumps up). Then I'll be going. {Starts c.) 

Betsy {crosses to d. r.). But not that way. Come down to 
the kitchen. {Takes pan of dough under arm) I'm going 
to put this in the oven to bake. 

Peter. Have you anything in the kitchen more digestible than 
your doughnuts? 

Betsy. Yes. I have fifty different kinds of meat. Hash! 

[EXIT D. R. 

Peter. " You may live without love, you may live without cash, 
but where is the man who can live without hash." [EXIT D. R. 



26 Peter l»iper>s Troubles 

ENTER Doris c. d. 

Doris. Thank goodness, my tedious music lessons are over for 
to-day! It's not an easy task to teach people who have no ear 
for music. {Looks around) The place seems deserted. I 
wonder where Betsy can be. Perhaps she's dusting in the next 
room; I'll see. [EXIT d. l. 

ENTER Mrs. Barrington l. i e. 

Mrs. Barrington (looking around). Thank Heavens that de- 
testable old creature, Jonah Bundy, is gone! But where is the 
girl Betsy, and why didn't she tell me as she promised she 
would? In my excitement I forgot my pocket-book. (Crosses 
to table, picks it up examines it) That young girl is honest at 
least. 

ENTER Doris d. l. 

Doris. Betsy is not in there. (Sees Mrs. Barrington. 
Aside) A strange lady. 

Mrs. Barrington (sees Doris. Aside). A young woman. 
Who can she be, I wonder. Probably a customer, or a model 
who poses for Selwyn. I don't like models; they become alto- 
gether too familiar with the artists. 

Doris. Madam, may I inquire your business here? I mean, 
whom dO' you wish to see? 

Mrs. Barrington (aside). She demands my business with an 
air of authority. (Aloud) Before I answer that question, I 
should like to learn your right to question me. Are you any 
relation of Mr. Kilby? 

Doris. No, madam. But I can inform you that Mr. Kilby is 
out at present. 

Mrs. Barrington. I am well aware of that also. But I 
presume I can wait here until he returns. 

Doris. It may be very late before he returns. 

Mrs. Barrington (aside). She evidently wishes to get rid of 
me. (Aloud) I have a special appointment with him, and the 
servant informed me that he wouldn't be very long away. So 
if you have no objection I shall wait a while, that is, if I'm 
not in your way. 

Doris. No, madam, not in the least; but I should very much 
regret detaining you. 

Mrs. Barrington (aside). Now I am sure she wants to get 



teter Piper's Troubles ^7 

rid of me. She may be a rival. (Aloud) Oh, you needn't have 
any anxiety on that head. My time is my own. (S'its R. at table) 
And Mr. Kilby is a man worth waiting for. 

Doris. Indeed ? 

Mrs. Barrington (aside). That blow struck home. She 
is a rival. (Aloud) You will pardon a woman's curiosity, but 
since you say you are no relation of Selwyn — I mean Mr. 
Kilby — may I ask if you are his model? 

Doris (indignantly). Most certainly not, madam. 

Mrs. Barrington. Oh, you needn't feel offended. Mr. Kilby 
mentioned to me that he had employed a model to pose for a 
picture, and you answer the description exactly. 

Doris. Well, you are mistaken, that is all. 

Mrs. Barrington. Pardon me, but the inference was a natural 
one on my part; I saw you coming out of his studio, and I find 
you here alone. 

Doris. Excuse me, madam, I might ask you the same question 
for I also found you here alone. But since you question me, I 
will answer you and state that I have a perfect right to come 
here as Mr. Kilby is my intended husband. 

Mrs. Barrington (aside). Her husband! (Aloud) Impos- 
sible! I will not believe it. (Rising.) 

Doris. Madam, you forget yourself. (Picks up handkerchief 
c.) I am not in the habit of telling falsehoods. Excuse me, I 
shall retire. 

Mrs. Barrington (crosses to l.). One moment, please. How 
did you come by that handkerchief? Did Mr. Kilby give it to 
you? 

Doris. No, madam. I found it here. Does it belong to you? 

Mrs. Barrington. That need not concern you. (Snatches 
handkerchief from Doris. Goes toward CD.) I will bid you 
good day. Miss Impudence [EXIT c. d. 

Doris. I wonder what's the matter with the woman? She 
acts so strangely. This is the woman who visits Selwyn secretly 
and loads him with costly presents in order to win his affections. 
She would rob me of his love ; but I have resolved to trust him, 
and believe him faithful until I prove him false, (up c.) 

ENTER Betsy d. r., carrying pack of cards. 

Betsy. I guess I'll tell my fortune. 
Doris. Ah, Betsy is that you? 

Betsy. Yes, Miss. (At table r.) It's me, myself and com- 
pany. (Sits r. of table) 



28 Peter Piper's Troubles 

Doris {sits l. of table). Seeing the cards, reminds me; Betsy, 
suppose you tell my fortune. 

Betsy. I ain't much of a fortune teller, Miss Doris, but I'll 
read the cards for you as best T can, and you're not to blame if 
your fortune ain't a good one. Blame it all on the run of the 
cards. To start in with, you run in hearts. 

Doris. But how can I run in hearts when I'm dark? 

Betsy. It's not a matter of complexion, but of the color of 
the eyes and general appearance. Spades represent plain people; 
diamonds, fairly good looking people ; and hearts very nice 
looking people ; therefore you are " The Queen of Hearts." 

Doris (laughing). "The Queen of Hearts." Why, Betsy? 
How ridiculous. 

Betsy. Because. Why, love and hearts always go together 
like Siamese twins. Cut the cards in three parts and make a 
wish. (Doris cuts cards) My suzzy! You're going to ha-ve lots 
of money and you're going to have lots of trouble. 

Doris (laughing). No doubt, for money brings trouble. 

Betsy. Yes, Miss Doris, and the want of it brings a darn 
sight more trouble. The wolf at the door, and old Bundy com- 
ing for his rent and going to fire us out. You'll have trouble 
with a fair woman ; but you'll get your wish in the end. There's 
a dark man and a fair woman going to cause the trouble. 

Doris. Oh, of course, it does not require any power of 
prophesy to tell that. There's always a woman in the case. 
(Laughing) 

Betsy. She's a fair woman and your rival for the dark man. 

Doris (laughing) . Oh, you're wrong, Betsy. She's not a fair 
woman or she wouldn't be my rival. I think she's very unfair. 
(Knock heard at c. d.) 

Betsy (jumping up). Oh, laws, that may be the dark man 
nov/. I guess it's old Bundy coming back after his rent. 

Doris (rises). I shall go into the next room until he's gone. 

Betsy. Oh, Miiss Doris, never run away from a man. I'd like 
to see the man I'd run away from. (Knock heard again. Doris 
crosses to l. i e.) Oh, come right in and don't wear out your 
fingers knocking. (Opens c. d.) 

ENTER Daniel Grubbins c. d., followed by Adolphus 
Gudgeon. 

Daniel Grubbins. Good day, all. (To Doris) Miss Chester, 
I presume? (Betsy crosses to r. of table) 
Doris. Yes, sir. 



Peter Piper's Troubles 



29 



Betsy. And I, sir, am nobody in particular; so please don't 
notice me. 

Adolphus Gudgeon. Oh, how very peculiar, don't you know. 
Really, by Jove. 

Grubbins. I am Daniel Grubbins, attorney at law. Allow me 
to introduce to you a distinguished young friend of mine, from 
England, the honorable Adolphus Gudgeon. 

Adolphus (bowing to Doris). Charmed, I am sure. 

Doris. And Mr. Gudgeon, this is Miss Betsy Bolivar. 

Adolphus (bows to Betsy). Charmed, I'm sure. 

Betsy. Tickled to death to see you, Sir Gudgeon. (Burlesques 
his bow) 

Adolphus (aside). What a remarkably vivacious little crea- 
ture, really. 

Betsy (aside, laughing). He's a regular freak. 

Grubbins (aside to Adolphus). Brace up. (Aloud) The 
Hon. Adolphus Gudgeon hasn't been long in this country, and so 
he is not yet accustomed to our democratic ways. (Grubbins sits 
on chair r. of table, Adolphus sits l. of table. Doris sits in arm- 
chair. Betsy stands at upper end of table) 

Doris. I hope you like our country, Mr. Gudgeon. 

Adolphus. Oh, charmed really, I'm sure. 

Betsy. You're a sort of greenhorn yet, ain't you? 

Adolphus. Oh yes, but I don't mind it a bit, don't you know, 
in fact I'm charmed, really. 

Betsy (aside). What a snake charmer he'd make. The 
snakes would all be charmed, really, don't you know. 

Grubbins. The Honorable Adolphus is a great admirer of our 
public institutions. 

Betsy. Has he been through Bloomingdale Lunatic Asylum 
yet? 

Adolphus. Not that I remember, really. 

Betsy. Well, when you get there, look out or you'll stay 
there. 

Adolphus. Eh ? 

Betsy. Only a short time allowed for visitors. Some of the 
patients are awful violent. They're just crazy to get out. 

Adolphus. Crazy to get out ! Really that's funny. Of course 
they would be crazy to get out, ha, ha, ha! And their keepers 
would be crazier to let them get out. Ha, ha, ha ! Clever really, 
don't you know. 

Grubbins. But to come to the object of our visit; my business 
to-day is with you, Miss Chester. 

Doris, With me? 



30 



Peter Piper's Troubles 



Grubbins. Yes, I want you to call at my office to-morrow 
forenoon regarding the settlement of a large amount of property 
which has been left to you by the late Richard Allison, the Boston 
millionaire. 

Betsy. Ah, ha, the cards told the truth after all. (Claps hands 
on cards) 

Adolphus (nervously). What a boisterous young woman, 
really. 

Betsy. Never mind, Gudgy, that's only our American way. 
When you get to know us better you won't mind it at all. In 
fact, you'll be charmed really, don't you know. 

Doris. Surely Mr. Grubbins you are jesting with me about 
this vast fortune? 

Grubbins. No, Miss Chester, a lawyer has no time to jest 
concerning business affairs. Hasn't my partner, Jonah Bundy, 
mentioned something of this to you? 

Doris. No, he has told me nothing of it. 

Betsy. No, but I heard all about it. 

Omnes. You ! ! 

Grubbins. Young woman, how did Mr. Bundy impart to you 
important legal information that should have been told to Miss 
Chester alone? 

Betsy (aside). Oh, Lor! I guess I've put my foot in it; and 
now I must lie out of it. 

Doris. Won't you tell us what Jonah Bundy told you, Betsy? 

Betsy. Ah, he didn't tell me anything at all. Miss. The cards 
told me that someone was going to bring you a lot of money. 

Adolphus. Oh, she's a fortune teller, really, don't you know. 
I wonder if she's gypsy. How romantic, don't you know. 

Grubbins. Mr. Bundy has been shamefully neglecting his busi- 
ness by not communicating these facts to you. However, 
(Takes out legal document) I can supply you with all the neces- 
sary information. Here's an abstract of the testator's will. It is 
strictly legal and correct in every particular. (Hands her paper) 

Doris. Mr. Allison, the millionaire, you say is my generous 
benefactor? But what sentiment could have prompted such 
liberality? 

Grubbins. That remains a mystery. My duty is to acquaint 
you with the facts. And having transacted a part of the business, 
I'll postpone the rest until I see you at my office to-morrow. 
(Rises, takes paper from Doris) 

Doris (rising). Very well, sir, you may expect me at your 
office in the forenoon. 



Peter Piper's Troubles 



31 



Grubbins {crosses to c. c). I shall have the necessary papers 
prepared. Come along, Adolphus. 

Adolphus {crosses up c.)- Oh, yes, of course, don't you know 

Betsy. Call again Mr. Gudgy. 

Adolphus. I'll be charmed, I'm sure. Good day. Miss Chester. 
Au revoir, Betsy Bolivar. 

Betsy. Oh, you reservoir Gudgy. We part like the blades of a 
scissors. 

Adolphus. How is that? 

Betsy. To meet again. 

Adolphus. Oh, deucedly clever really, I'm sure. Ha, ha, ha! 

[EXIT c. D. 

Grubbins. If my partner, Jonah Bundy, should call here 
shortly, you will please inform him that I have attended to your 
legal affairs. 

Doris. I shall do so. 

Grubbins. Good day, Miss Chester. 

Doris. Good day, sir. [EXIT Grubbins c. d. 

Betsy. Now, Miss Doris, didn't the cards tell the truth after 
all? 

Doris. It is a strange coincidence, Betsy. 

Betsy. And I can tell you a lot more that the cards didn't tell 
us. And that is, to be on your guard against these two old 
swindlers. 

Doris. Why Betsy! Do you doubt their honesty? 

Betsy. They have no honesty to doubt. They are a pair of 
schemers. It's an awful bad habit for people who have a guilty 
conscience to talk to themselves. I overheard Jonah Bundy doing 
that very thing while I was the little mouse in the comer listen- 
ing to every word. You take my advice, that pair will bear 
watching. 

Doris. Betsy, you have quite a business head on your 
shoulders, and you possess a great power of prophesy. You can 
reveal the past, present and the future. 

Betsy. Yes, and then some. 

Doris. Before I go, I'm anxious to see Mr. Kilby's picture 
called " My Best Girl." 

Betsy. Do you really wish to see the picture of his best girl? 
{Leads Doris to mirror) Now take a good look and tell me 
how you like the picture. 

Doris {laughing). Betsy, you little tease! I mean the painted 
picture. 

Betsy. Oh, your rival, as he sometimes calls it. It's in that 
room. {Points d, l.) I hope you won't be jealous of it. 



^2 Peter Piper's Troubles 

Doris. Oh, no, -now that I'm an heiress. I may purchase it, 
if it suits my fancy. [EXIT d. l. 

Betsy. I fancy it will suit her fancy because it's a speaking 
likeness of her sweet self. 

ENTER Peter Piper c. d. 

Peter. Here I am again Betsy, and I bring good news this 
time. (Places hat on chair L.) 

Betsy. What's the good news Peter? 

Peter. I have come direct from an interview with old 
Grubbins and he has promised if I help him carry out some 
legal business he will raise my salary to the princely sum of four 
dollars. I think he must be suffering from brain storm, rain 
storm or a tornado. And now I'm in a position to ask you to 
become Mrs. Peter Piper and share my four dollars per week. 

Betsy. Peter, I am yours for four dollars. (Embrace) 

Peter. Sold to Peter Piper one four dollar wife. I couldn't 
have done better at a rummage sale. 

Betsy. And now, Mr. Piper, remember one thing. 

Peter. That we two are one, eh ? 

Betsy. Yes, and I am to be the one. And if I catch you 
flirting with any other woman, beware of my vengeance. I'll 
scratch her eyes out and tar and feather you. 

Peter. Tar and feather me? Then Betsy, I'll feel like a bird. 
Ha, ha, ha ! 

Betsy. This ain't no laughing matter. 

Peter. No indeed, it seems to be more in the line of the Black 
Hand Extermination Society. 

Betsy (crosses to d. r.). F"o11ow me to the kitchen and I'll give 
you some pure maple sugar. 

Peter. If there's one thing I like better than something else, 
it is pure maple sugar. And it always makes me think of you. 

Betsy. How's that? 

Peter. You are sweet but unrefined. Lead on to the kitchen 
my bunch of sweetness. [EXIT with Betsy d. r. 

ENTER Selwyn c. d. 

Selwyn. No better luck to-day than yesterday. (Sits at table, 
picks up cards which Betsy has left on table) I'd like to be able 
to read the future. If I could only have the same implicit faith 
in these cards as Betsy Bolivar has. Truly such childlike 
ignorance is bliss. If I could only read my destiny in the cards 



Peter Piper's Troubles 



33 



or in the stars. But " Heaven from all creatures hides the book 
of fate." (Throwing cards in disgust on table) The outlook is 
certainly gloomy enough. My rent is overdue, and I haven't 
got a red cent to pay it. If I only dared I would like to ask the 
rich Mrs. Barrington for a temporary loan, but I haven't the 
courage to tell her of my poverty. No, I must suffer in silence. 
I've made my bed and I suppose I must lie in it. 

ENTER Mrs. Barrington c. d. 

Mrs. Barrington. Oh, Mr. Kilby, I'm delighted to find you at 
home at last. I do believe that horrid old creature Jonah Bundy 
has followed me here again. Can I not step into the next room 
until he's gone? 

Selwyn (rises). Certainly, Mrs. Barrington. I shall be only 
too glad to help you escape. 

Mrs. Barrington. And should he inquire if I entered here, 
will you, for my sake, say that I did not. 

Selwyn. To such a man as Jonah Bundy, a lie is justifiable. 
But may I ask why should he persecute you? Surely you have 
never harmed him. 

Mrs. Barrington. No, it isn't that, but the old simpleton 
imagines he's in love with me, and he follows me around like 
a poodle dog. Can't you hide me somewhere? 

Selwyn (crosses to h. i f..) . Certainly, step in here and you'll 
be safe until he's gone. 

Mrs. Barrington (crosses to l. i e.). Tliank you, Mr. Kilb}% 
and if ever you should need a favor, don't be afraid to ask it, 
and I will grant it. (Drops glove) [EXIT l. i e, 

Selwyn (goes down c, musing). If I should ever need a 
favor she would gladly grant it. Well, it is good to know that 
I have one friend to whom I can turn in my misery. I hate to do 
so, but desperate diseases require desperate remedies, and beggars 
can't be choosers. Now I am a pauper, an ugly name to call one's 
self, but it's the truth — the sad truth. (Sits at table) 

RE-ENTER Mrs. Barrington l. i e. Selwyn does not notice 

her. 

Mrs. Barrington. Excuse me, I dropped my glove. (ENTER 
Peter d. r.) Oh, here it is. [EXIT l. i e. 

Peter (has seen Mrs. Barrington EXIT). I forgot my hat. 
Ah, me thought I saw a vision of female loveliness disappear 
through yonder door. 

Selwyn (raises head from table). Ah, Peter, is that you? 



34 



Peter Piper's Trotibles 



Peter. As far as I am personally acquainted with myself I can 
state, without fear of contradiction, that I am that identical 
individual. Ah, you're a sly dog. I saw her as she vanished 
into yonder room. 

Selwyn. Oh, yes, but it is her wish and mine also that her 
presence here should remain a secret for a short time. 

Peter. Certainly, my dear fellow, I never tell tales out of 
school. I don't blame you, for after all you're only a son of 
Adam. 

Selwyn. Peter, in order to remove your suspicions. I may 
inform you that the lady in question is highly respectable; in 
fact she's a customer of mine, whose picture I'm painting and 
she has come for another sitting. 

Peter (laughing). Indeed. And where is she going to have 
her next sitting, upon your knee, eh? 

ENTER Jonah Bundy c. d. unseen; listens up c. 

Selwyn. The fact is, she wishes to avoid a meeting with 
Jonah Bundy who is on his way here now, and she asked me 
to conceal her until he's gone. As a friend of mine, I want 
you to do me a favor. Say nothing to a living soul of her 
presence here, you understand?' 

Peter. Not a word, on the word of Peter Piper. I don't blame 
any self-respecting female lady for not wanting to meet that 
old snake in the grass. Do you know, the only time the Almighty 
is sorry he ever made man, is when he looks down on such 
specimens of humanity as Jonah Bundy. 

Jonah (goes down c). Excuse me, I hope I don't intrude? 

Selwyn (crosses R.). No. I presume you have come on 
business? 

Jonah. Yes. Your rent is over-due and I'm here to collect it. 
I must have it this time. No excuses. 

Selwyn. You shall have your rent, if you'll only grant me a 
few days' grace until I've finished a picture I am now working 
on. 

Jonah. Bah ! You fellows always frame up some excuse 
to avoid paying honest debts, and to cheat people out of their 
just dues. 

Selwyn. Jonah Bundy, you ought to be the last man on earth 
to speak of other people's honesty. You don't know what the 
word means. I don't intend to defraud anyone, and if you dare 
to apply the word cheat to me again, lawyer though you are, I'll 
throw you out of that door. (Points c. d.) 



Peter Piper's Troubles 9C 

Peter. And I'll second that motion. 
Jonah. You shut up. This isn't your "put in." 
Peter. Isn't it? I'm thinking it'll be your "put out" if you 
don't get out. 

ENTER Betsy, d. r. 

Jonah. I care nothing about your paintings or your pictures. 
I'm here to collect my rent, and I'm not going away without it. 

Betsy (crosses to Bundy). Well, who wants you to? (Hands 
him money) Here's your rent, you old crocodile. Now get out 
and stay out for another month. We don't want to see your 
homely mug here any more. (Crosses to upper end of table)' 

ENTER Doris d. l. 

Jonah (aside). Now is my golden chance for revenge. 
(Aloud) It's really too bad about you Mr. Kilby with your mock 
modesty and virtuous airs. You pretend to be so good, so 
immaculate and noble before your affianced wife. Oh, yes, but 
" All is not gold that glitters." If she only knew half what I 
know she wouldn't have so much faith in your boasted honor. 

Selwyn. I do not fear your threats. You know nothing dis- 
honorable about me. 

Jonah. Indeed! Well, I can prove you a hypocrite — but • 

(Pause) 

Doris. Go on, sir, what do you know? 

Jonah. That at this moment, when he would have you believe 
him true to you, he has a woman concealed in that room. Let 
him deny it if he dare. (Betsy comes down front of chair L. of 
table) 

Doris. Selwyn, tell me, does this man speak the truth ? 

Selwyn (aside, to Peter). Can't you help me out? 

Peter (aside). Sure; leave it to me. (Crosses C Aloud) 
Yes, Miss Chester, there is a lady concealed in that room, but 
not by Mr. Kilby. (Opens door L. i e.) Step this way, madam, 
if you please. 

ENTER Mrs. Barrington, l. i e. 

Mrs. Barrington. What's the matter? 

Peter. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce my 
'intended wife. 

Omnes. His intended wife ! (Mrs. Barrington faints, falling 
into Peter's arms) 



^5 Peter Piper's Troubles 

Betsy (falling into chair l. of table, kicks her heels against 
floor). His wife! Oh, the wretch! The deceitful wretch!! 
Peter and Mrs. Barrington up c. Betsy in chair l. of table. 
Doris r. corner. Selwyn l. corner. Jonah l. c. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 



SCENE. — Grubbins' office. A week later. Doors c, R., and L, 
Window R. of c. d. Office desk and chair down l. Cash box 
containing bills on desk. Table down r. Writing material, 
ledger, legal documents, bell, books, etc., on table. Chairs R. 
and L. of table. Screen up l. corner. Covered picture on 
easel up r. Telephone zvith bell attachment near c. d., 
directory hanging near phone. Hat rack, umbrella stand, 
etc. DISCOVERED Peter Piper looking through telephone 
directory. 

Peter. The man who invented the telephone was smarter than 
the individual who invented lies. The telephone as a long 
distance talker is certainly a great convenience ; in fact, a blessing 
to humanity. Besides, you can tell a man what you think of him 
without having to say it to his face. Now they do say " Every 
dog has his day" and this is going to be my day. I'm going 
to get square with old Jonah Bundy for getting me into trouble 
at Kilby's studio the other day. I certainly got in bad. I saved 
Kilby, but I lost my best girl. Betsy Bolivar won't have 
anything more to do with me, and to add to my misfortunes, I 
have made an enemy of the charming Mrs. Barrington. \i's an 
awful mix-up and I have gained the reputation of being a first 
class liar. Well, I must grin and bear it. Jonah Bundy is the 
cause of it all. So here goes to get even with him. {Taking 
down receiver) " Hello Central ; 444 Party J. Hello ! Is this 
Plume, the undertaker? This is Grubbins' Law Office. Send one 
ready made coffin at once and a man to take charge of the body 
of old Jonah Bundy. Yes, he's dead. Yes, heart disease, very 
sudden. Attend to it at once please." (Hangs up receiver) I 
guess that'll fix him all right. (Dances around offi.ce) I'm so 
happy I could throw myself away. (Keeps on dancing) 



Peter Piper's Troubles -yj 

ENTER Jonah c. d. Sees Peter dancing. 

Jonah. Piper, what are you doing? Do you take this office for 
a dancing school? 

Peter. No, sir, I had a cramp in the calf of my hind leg and I 
was trying to stretch it. I've been sitting or rather roosting on 
that high stool so long that I got cramps. 

Jonah. I don't believe a word of what you say. You're a 
chronic liar. 

Peter. Well, sir, a man is judged by the company he keeps. 
It's in the air around here. 

Jonah. No more of your idiotic jests. I want to be alone, you 
get out. 

Peter. Can I get a half holiday to-day? 

Jonah. What for ? 

Peter. I want to get a hair-cut and my face manicured. 

Jonah. Get out, go to the devil. {Sits at table) 

Peter (starts toward c. d.). All right, sir, I'll tell him that I 
saw you. (Hides behind screen) 

Jonah. For the life of me, I can't imagine why Grubbins keeps 
that good-for-nothing idiot in his employ. He is the most 
useless, brainless fool I ever saw ; besides he's the most bare- 
faced liar since the days of Ananias. The idea of his claiming 
to be the husband of the Mrs. Barrington. The impudence of that 
lying rascal beats the world's record. The widow is a woman 
of common sense and sound judgment. She afterward disclaimed 
all knowledge of the affair, so it was evidently a put-up-job be- 
tween that artist and Peter Piper. Mrs. Barrington is a lady of 
refined tastes ; she has an eye for the beautiful and she loves me. 
(Peter laughs. Telephone rings. Jonah turns) Eh? Oh, it's 
that damned telephone. I thought I heard someone laughing. 
(Goes to telephone) Curse telephones — they're a nuisance. (At 
'phone) Hello! Yes, yes, this is lawyer Grubbins' office. What 
is it? Eh, what? Whose coffin? Who the devil are you? 
Plume, the undertaker ? Well what do you want ? Pine or Rose- 
wood for Jonah Bundy. Now see here I am Jonah Bundy and 
this is not " All Fools' Day." You think you're funny, don't you ? 
I never ordered my own coffin. Don't I know whether I'm dead 
or not ? Eh, you're another. Oh, so, I'm an old stiff am I ? I'll 
have the law on you and that may cure you of your practical jok- 
ing habits." (Hangs up receiver) Now, if I only had a witness 
I'd bring an action against that fellow and recover damages for 
wanting to bury me before I am_ dead. I'll call upon that under- 
taker at once and let him know that I'm very much alive. He 



28 Peter Piper's Troubles 

called me an old stiff did he? It's a clear case of defamation of 
character. I'll show him. [EXIT c. d. 

Peter (comes from behind screen, laughing. Lights cigarette). 
First round for Peter Piper. Old Bundy will get the surprise of 
his life if he ever finds out it was I put up the job on him. 
Ha, ha, ha! (Sings) "But what care I, if death be nigh." 
(Grubbins heard coughing outside c. d.) Hello, here comes 
Grubbins. (Sits at desk; pretends to be busy. Tries to put out 
cigarette) 

ENTER Grubbins c. d., sniffs. 

Grubbins. Don't I smell smoke? 

Peter. Perhaps you do, sir. There has been a big fire in the 
next block and the smoke was wafted in through the window 
by the gentle breeze from heaven. 

Grubbins. Gentle rot! It is tobacco smoke that I smell. Was 
the fire in a cigar factory? 

Peter. Not knowing, sir, can't say. But I'll go out and see. 
(Starts to c. d.) 

Grubbins. Stay where you are and attend to your business. 
That is only a lame excuse to shirk work. Young man, if you 
want to succeed in life, you must keep your nose to the grinding 
stone. (Sits R. of table) 

Peter, Excuse me, sir, my nose ain't a jack-knife that needs 
sharpening. I've heard of people who cut off their nose to spite 
their face, but I'm not going to disfigure my beautiful Roman 
nose for any such purpose. Furthermore, allow me to remark 
that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. 

Grubbins. I don't care to hear what it makes Jack. I only 
know that it can't make you any duller than you are now. 
There's no danger of you working yourself to death. 

Peter. Well, sir, I don't care to do all the labor myself and 
keep other worthy men out of a job. I like to leave enough to go 
around. I always think of my fellow creatures, sir. 

Grubbins. Never mind your fellow creatures, but mind your 
own business. You talk too much. 

Grubbins. Has Jonah Bundy been here? 

Peter. Yes, sir. He has been here but he took his departure to 
parts unknown some time ago. 

Grubbins. Stop your idle jesting. This is not a minstrel show 
and you the end man. Do you know where he went to? 

Peter. To the best of my knowledge and belief he went to the 
undertaker's. 



Peter Piper's Troubles ^0 

Grubbins. To the undertaker's? What for? 

Peter. To make arrangements for his funeral. 

Grubbins, Piper, you're a fool. 

Peter, Thanks, I'm in good company. When I tell you the 
truth, you call me a fool. When I don't tell you the truth 
you call me a liar. I'd like to know what I really am so that I 
can catalogue myself. 

Grubbins, Well, you can set yourself down as a fool, a knave 
and a lair. That reminds me of another matter. A short time 
ago I raised your salary to four dollars a week, not because I 
considered your services worth it, but because you led me to 
believe that you were about to be married. You never got 
married. Piper, you have deceived me 

Peter. No, sir. The girl went back on me, through no fault 
of mine. Let me tell you the story of my sad misfortunes. 

Grubbins. You are the most unmitigated liar that ever lived, 
and I wouldn't believe you under oath. 

Peter. My noble lord, I am not now under oath, therefore you 
can believe me. You see it was this way; there were two of us, 
another fellow and myself. The other fellow's girl got jealous 
about another woman who was concealed in a room, I came to 
his rescue by telling a falsehood and claiming the lady as my 
intended wife in order to save the other fellow, but at the 
same time I ruined myself in the eyes of my best girl. Alas she'll 
have nothing more to do with me. I am now left like the 
last rose of summer to bloom all alone. 

Grubbins. That is the reward of lying. Since you are not 
going to get married I shall now reduce your salary to three 
dollars. 

Peter, But it was formerly three fifty per week, 

Grubbins. I know it, but I'll tax you the other fifty cents for 
having lied to me. 

Peter. If you're going to put a tax on liars, suppose you com- 
mence with yourself. You're a modern Ananias. 

Grubbins. Another remark like that and I'll discharge you. 

Peter, I'll discharge myself first ; immediately and at once. 

Grubbins, Sit down and attend to your duties. 

Peter. No, sir. I'm through; I fear if I stay here much 
longer you'll make me as big a scoundrel as you are yourself. 
Never again will I take my pen in hand to scribble for you. I 
shall not resume work until you restore my salary to three fifty 
per week. I cannot live upon air and water as I am neither a fish ■- 
nor a balloon. Now, sir, you have my ultimatum, 

Grubbins (aside). This fool is useful to me and if I discharge 



Ao Peter Piper's Troubles 

him he may reveal my business secrets. (Aloud) Piper, I have 
reconsidered the matter and I'll restore your salary to three 
fifty per week. 

Peter. You will? 

Grubbins (sits R.). Yes. 

Peter (jumps up on stool at desk). Then Richard is himself 
again. Once more I take my pen in hand, for the pen is mightier 
than the sword. 

Grubbins. Now stop your tragedy business and let us get to 
facts. Have you investigated the financial condition of this 
young spendthrift. Gudgeon? 

Peter. Yes, sir. My investigation was full, ample and com- 
plete in every particular. The said Hon. Adolphus Gudgeon dare 
not show his nose at the club; he is penniless, utterly ruined. 
And all the money he owes you, you can whistle for. 

Grubbins. No matter, Piper. You work hand in hand with me 
and we'll form a plan that will realize a snug little sum of money. 
Now this Englishman has good looks, which can be used to our 
advantage. 

Peter. What are you going to do with him? Place him in a 
beauty show? 

Grubbins. No, I have a better plan. You have heard of this 
young heiress, Doris Chester, who has recently succeeded to a 
vast fortune under the will of the late Mr. Allison ? 

Peter. Yes, sir, I have heard of the young lady's good luck 
and only wish it was mine. 

Grubbins. Miss Chester has done me the honor to make my 
house her home for the present. As her friend and lawyer I 
extend my protection to her. 

Peter. And with her board and lodging you make her pay 
pretty well for your friendship and protection? 

Grubbins. That's my business. 

Peter. I know it, and a profitable business you make it too. 
I bet you place a high tariff on your friendship and protection. 

Grubbins. To come to the point — what I want to know is, is 
there some sort of an attachment between this young lady and 
that young poverty-stricken artist, Selwyn Kilby? 

Peter. Yes, sir, there is an attachment as deep as a well. But 
the course of true love didn't run any smoother for them than it 
did for me. I have heard that it's all over between them now. 

Grubbins. Too bad; how did it happen? 

Peter (comes off stool). The story is a long and a sad one. 
One fine summer's day a beautiful widow entered their little 
garden of Eden. This widow was the serpent, and as there were 
no snake charmers around, she got in her deadly work and 



Peter Piper's Troubles ^I 

estranged two loving hearts. And now they never speak as they 
pass by. That was the fatal day that I claimed the widow as my 
intended wife. And now we meet as strangers, in fact, I got 
the icy deal all round. Hence these tears. {Pretends to cry) 

Grubbins. Served you right. That ought to be a lesson to you, 
to tell the truth in future. 

Peter. How can I tell the truth and study law at the same 
time? No man can serve two masters. Some folks can lie them- 
selves out of trouble, but I only succeed in lying myself into 
trouble through no fault of mine. I am a martyr in the defense 
of others. {Knock heard at c. d.) 

Grubbins. See who's at the door. (Peter looks through key- 
hole c. D. Looks out at window. Knock repeated) What the 
devil are you doing? Why don't you open the door? 

Peter. You didn't tell me to open it; you just told me to see 
who was at the door. 

Grubbins. I now tell you to open it. 

Peter. You can open it yourself; it's Miss Doris Chester. She 
didn't call to see me and I don't care to see her. I'll retire to my 
wigwam. If you want me, send for me. [EXIT d. r. 

Grubbins. Confound that fellow's impudence. {Crosses to c. d. 
Knock heard again. Opens c. d.) Come in. Miss Chester. 

ENTER Doris c. d. 

^ Doris. Do I intrude? 

Grubbins. Not at all, Miss Chester. On the contrary, your 
presence is like a ray of sunshine in my gloomy office. 

Doris. It is rather dark here, is it not? 

Grubbins. Yes, ahem, what we lawyers call legal obscurity. 
Miss Chester, people would never believe in law if they could 
see through it. Please be seated and I'll bring a lamp from the 
next room. [EXIT d. l. 

Doris {crosses to r.). I sometimes wonder if Mr. Grubbins is 
an honest man. It's so hard to know whom to trust. 

ENTER Peter d. r. 

Peter. The coast is clear. I guess I'll vamoose. 

Doris {turns, sees Peter). Ah, Mr. Piper. I'm glad to see 
you. 

Peter {aside at c. d.). And I'm sorry she saw me. {Aloud) 
I'm glad to know that you are glad. I thought you'd never for- 
give me after that little escapade in Kilby's studio some time ago. 

Doris {sits l., laughing). Why should I bear you any malice 



A2, Peter Piper's Troubles 

for that unpleasant incident? And that reminds me — ^how is your 
wife? 

Peter. Which wife? I mean 

Doris. Which wife? Why, how many wives have you? Are 
you bigamist? 

Peter. To confess the whole truth and nothing but the truth, 
the lady who was playing hide and seek was not my wife, nor my 
intended wife. 

Doris. Indeed ! Why then did you introduce her as such ? 

Peter. On the theory that " All's fair in love and war." I tried 
to save my friend Kilby by telling a white lie. Like a boomerang 
it recoiled upon my own head. I acted for the best and it 
turned out for the worst. 

Doris. You sacrificed your honor and veracity to save a guilty 
friend. 

Peter. You wrong Mr. Kilby, Miss Chester. I told that lie to 
shield an innocent man. At least give me credit for being an 
honest liar. 

Doris (sighs). Oh, well, it's all over between Mr. Kilby and 
me, so we'll let the matter drop. 

Peter. That's best for the present. Explanations will be in 
order later on. 

Doris. Quite true. (Goes up c.) What picture is that covered 
up? 

Peter (removes cover). It may interest you. Miss Chester, as 
you are an admirer of art. It may remind you of bygone happy 
days. 

Doris (examines picture). How did that picture come here? 

ENTER Grubbins d. l., carrying lighted lamp and documents; 
places lamp on table. 

Grubbins. Here, Piper, have this typewritten at once. (Hands 
document to Peter.) 

Peter. Yes, sir, with the greatest felicity and alacrity. 
(Crosses ton. Vi. Aside) I wonder if he'll raise my salary to four 
dollars for this job. [EXIT d. r. 

Doris. Mr. Grubbins, may I inquire how you came by this 
picture, is it yours? I mean did you purchase it while it was 
on exhibiton or did you get it direct from the artist? 

Grubbins. It does not exactly belong to me. I hold a sort of 
mortgage on it. It was placed in my possession by the artist as 
security for some money which I advanced him. But I shall claim 
the right to sell it after a stipulated time. That time has now 
expired and I can sell it for one hundred dollars. 



]Peter iPiper's Troubles a^ 

Doris. One hundred dollars for a work which cost the artist 
many an anxious day and night. Is it thus genius is rewarded ? 

Grubbins. Miss Chester, this is a practical age, the world 
neither cares for, nor does it pay for unrecognized genius. It 
pays for a reputation and a name. 

Doris. A name ! An empty sound made for the worshippers of 
mammon. But time avenges the wrong; names perish, but genius 
lives forever. Find out if the artist wishes to sell it, and I will 
pay five hundred dollars for the picture. 

Grubbins. Excuse me. Miss Chester, but such a large sum for 
a piece of spoiled canvas seems to me like woeful extravagance. 

Doris. No matter what it seems to you, I wish to possess it. 

Grubbins. Oh, very well, young lady. You can afford to gratify 
your expensive whims. But I should think that one hundred 
and fifty dollars is a liberal price for it. 

Doris. Excuse me, Mr. Grubbins, you may be a good lawyer 
but you are no judge of art. (Looking at picture) A very sad 
subject — "Ariadne Weeping By the Seashore." What a world of 
eloquent melancholy is in that figure. 

Grubbins. Yes, poor girl, she looks as if she were sea-sick. 

Doris. Sea-sick! Have 'you never read the story? (Coming 

Grubbins. No Miss, I never read stories nor tell them either. 

Doris. Mr. Grubbins, if you have the address of the artist send 
him five hundred dollars for this picture. My only request is, 
that my name shall remain unknown. You understand? 

Grubbins. Perfectly, and your wishes shall be obeyed to the 
letter, Miss Chester. (Crosses to d. l.) I'll send him a cheque 
for the amount directly. (Aside) My young client seems to have 
a will of her own. Can she suspect who the artist is? 

[EXIT D. L. 

Doris (at picture). Dear picture, I'm glad it's mine. Perhaps 
sometimes I shall recall the days I watched it grow beneath his 
pencil, from the first dreamy outline, into life and beauty, while 
I sang to him. Oh, sorrow's crown of sorrows is the remembrance 
of happier days. But he was false to his vows. He is nothing 
to me now ; nothing but a memory of what might have been. 

ENTER Adolphus c. d. 

Adolphus. Oh, I beg pardon. I hope I don't intrude. 
Doris. I'm right glad to see you. (Sits l. of table.) 
Adolphus (sits R. of table). Charmed, I'm sure. But Miss 

Chester you needn't be surprised if you don't find me as cheerful 

as usual to-day. 



A A Peter Piper's Troubles 

Doris. I'm sorry to learn this. Has anything serious happened ? 

Adolphus. Miss Chester, you see before you an unfortunate 
young man, pursued by a relentless fate, in the shape of an 
obstinate tailor whose clothes I have advertised and made 
fashionable by wearing. Those unprincipled scoundrels allow you 
to get into their debt and then dun the life out of you. 

Doris. That's too bad. If I were you I wouldn't patronize such 
mercenary tradesmen any more. 

Adolphus. A capital idea, really. I'll act on your suggestion 
in the future and so get square with those rascals, even if I've got 
to go without any clothes. I wonder where old Grubbins is? 

Doris. He has just stepped into the next room, no doubt he'll 
return presently. 

Adolphus. Might as well plunge deeper in his debt, if he will 
stand for it. " In for a penny in for a pound," one might as well 
be hanged for a sheep as a lamb, don't you know. 

ENTER Grubbins d. c. 

Grubbins. Miss Chester, I have sent the cheque to the artist 
as you instructed me. 

Doris (rises). Thanks, that is all for the present. (Crosses to 
c. D.) Send the picture to me as soon as possible. I shall defray 
all expenses. Good-day, sir. Good-afternoon, Mr. Gudgeon. 
(Laughing) Don't let your tailor scare you. [EXIT c. d. 

Adolphus (goes up c). She's laughing at my misfortune, really, 
don't you know. 

Grubbins. Mr. Gudgeon, I wish to have a serious talk with 
you, so sit down. 

Adolphus (sitting r.). I hate a serious talk with a lawyer, it 
always means trouble, don't you know. But proceed. 

Grubbins (sits l.). Upon examining my books I find that you 
owe me nearly five thousand dollars. Now I can't afford to make 
further loans without more tangible security. You understand ? 

Adolphus. I think I do ; proceed, I'm becoming interested. 

Grubbins. However, I have a plan by which you can liquidate 
that debt besides coming into possession of a handsome fortune for 
yourself. 

Adolphus. Oh, won't that be jolly, don't you know. Well, un- 
fold you plan. 

Grubbins. There is only one difficulty in this arrangement, and 
that is good security. What security can you offer besides your 
name, which, in this country isn't worth a dollar. What could I do 
with your name ? 

Adolphus. I'm sure I don't know, really, unless you might get 



Peter Piper's Troubles ^e 

it framed and hang it up in your office as a warning to other 
confiding money lenders. {Laughs) 

Grubbins {rises). This levity is out of place, sir. Are you 
aware that you are a ruined man, Mr. Gudgeon? 

Adolphus {rising, laughing). Ruined! With such a title and 
figure as I've got, and so many wealthy marriageable young ladies 
in America? My title, and my Apollo-like figure are my stock 
in trade. As long as I possess either, I have no fear of being 
ruined. I may be temporarily embarrased, but ruined — never; 
really, don't you know. {Goes up to picture) So don't 
worry, my legal advisor; I don't, why should you? 

Grubbins (aside). This fellow isn't such a fool as he looks. 
He has blue blood in his veins, is fairly good-looking and has a 
title, the lode-stone that draws our American heiresses into the 
web. He would be the very man to marry Doris Chester, and if 
I can bring that match about, it will mean a good fat boodle for 
myself. I'll try it. {Aloud) As I said before Mr. Gudgeon, I 
have a plan. 

Adolphus. Yes, you said that before. Proceed with your plan. 
Are you going to take me to the Klondike? I couldn't stand the 
cold, I really couldn't, don't you know. It would freeze my blue 
blood, don't you know. 

Grubbins. No sir, nothing so desperate as that. My plain is to 
have you marry a wealthy American girl. 

Adolphus. Well, that's an improvement on the Klondike 
scheme. Still, I don't care to enter wedlock at present. 

Grubbins. It is marriage or a prison, so take your choice. 

Adolphus. Wedlock or padlock. I know what I'll do, I'll toss 
up a coin. Heads, I take wife ; tails, a prison takes me. {Tosses up 
coin) Heads it is. The wife wins. Well, I don't mind being 
sold, but I shan't be knocked down too cheap. If I must be 
sacrificed, I want to be sold to the highest bidder. 

Grubbins. The lady I have chosen for you is immensely rich. 

Adolphus. And I presume remarkably homely and very ancient. 

Grubbins. On the contrary, she's young and beautiful and in- 
nocent as a cooing dove. 

Adolphus. Oh, what a rare combination — youth, wealth, beauty, 
and innocence. Dame Fortune at last I thank thee. But when, 
and where, am I to behold this paragon of perfection? 

Grubbins. The lady in question is a client of mine, return here 
in a half an hour ; and I'll arrange that you meet her in this office. 

Adolphus {crosses to c. d.) I'll be charmed I'm sure. In half 
and hour I shall fly back here on the wings of love and money. 

[EXIT C. 0. 



46 ' Peter Piper's Troubles 

Grubbins. Good. I have landed a prospective husband for 
Doris Chester. And I'll make a good fat boodle out of the alliance, 
and Jonah Bundy shan't get a red cent of it. I'll be a rich man 
yet. (Sits at table and writes. Taps bell .on table) 
ENTER Peter d. r. 

Peter. Did you agitate the annunciator to summon my pres- 
ence? 

Grubbins. Stop your foolery and attend to business. I want 
you to deliver this note to Miss Doris Chester. And remember 
'tis for her and nobody else. Hurry back and don't stop on the 
way to make stump speeches or spout Shakespeare. 

Peter. My bark is on the shore ; I mean my bike is at the door. 
Nothing shall stop me excepting a hold-up man. (Runs to c. d. 
collides with Jonah Bundy who ENTERS c. d.) [EXIT c. d. 

Jonah. Curse that fellow's impudence. Grubbins, why don't 
you discharge that good-for-nothing scoundrel ? 

Grubbins. What would be the use, I'd only be jumping from 
the frying pan into the fire. I don't know where to find a boy that 
would work so cheaply as he does. 

Jonah. Grubbins, I've come here to demand an explanation 
about certain matters. We are supposed to be partners, are we 
not? 

Grubbins. Why yes, of course we are, friend Bundy. 

Jonah. Don't call me friend when you know in your false heart 
you don't mean it. By a mean, contemptible, unprofessional 
trick, you have snatched this wealthy heiress out of my hands. 
She was mine. I discovered her and fairly offered to go shares 
with you in the rich prize. But under false pretences you have 
abducted her by lying, deceit and trickery. 

Grubbins. Bundy, be careful. Such abusive language is action- 
able and libellous. 

Jonah. Bah ! I do not fear your threats. I repeat that you 
have induced her to become your client in order that she can be 
completely in your power. (Passionately) A pretty partner you 
are, eh? 

Grubbins. Calm yourself, friend Bundy. As you are subject to 
heart disease, it's necessary that you should keep cool. I will con- 
fess, I did save Miss Chester from being robbed by you. 

Jonah. In order that you might have a better opportunity to 
rob her yourself, eh? I know you, and everybody knows you as 
one of the biggest rogues in the profession. 

Grubbins. Be careful. " People who live in glass houses 
shouldn't throw stones." Your virtuous indignation amuses me, 
(Laughs) Jonah Bundy. 



Peter Piper's Troubles 47 

Jonah. And that's not all. Your attentions to the wealthy 
Mrs. Barrington are distasteful to me. 

Grubbins. I don't care, as long as they're not distasteful to 
her. The charming Mrs. Barrington is also a client of mine and 
my attentions are purely of a professional nature. 

Jonah. You are dead stuck on her, or rather, on her money. 

Grubbins. So are you, but you can't get either. I'm sorry to be 
your rival, but go ahead and may the best man win. Go in and 
win her, Jonah. Remember, " Faint heart ne'er won fair lady." 
(Laughs, sits R. of table) 

Jonah. Miserable hypocrite! Do you laugh at your victim? 
You insult the man you have robbed and cheated. If you don't 
agree this very moment to give me an equal share of the plunder 
I'll crush you under the record of your own iniquities. (Raises 
ledger from the table toward Grubbins' head) 

Grubbins. (rising, angrily). Jonah Bundy put down that book. 
I am not afraid of your threats. Now listen to reason. We are 
both in the same boat. 

Jonah (places book on table). Well, I don't want to quarrel. 
Give me five hundred dollars and I'll call it square. 

Grubbins. You can call it square or any shape you please, I 
shan't give you five hundred cents. 

Jonah. You won't, eh ? Then I shall play my trump card. 

ENTER Peter c. d. unseen, hides behind screen. 

Grubbins. Well, and what is your trump card ? 

Jonah. I can explode the mine that you fancy a golden one. 
Perhaps you are not aware that the late Mr. Allison, whose wealth 
Miss Doris Chester now inherits, was married and had one child? 

Grubbins. I once heard him say so. But wife and child are 
long since dead. 

Jonah. Don't be too sure, my friend. What if I can prove 
that after Allison's rescue and his failure to locate his wife and 
child he went to Boston to live, where he met Miss Chester, and 
that Mrs. Allison, believing her husband lost, came with her boy to 
New York, where she changed her name to Kilby. 

Grubbins (jumps up). To Kilby? 

Jonah. Yes, her maiden name. You see, I can prove that you 
don't know it all. 

Grubbins. Well, proceed. 

Jonah. The child, the rightful heir to the Allison estate, still 
lives and is known as Selwyn Kilby. 

Grubbins. The artist? 



^g Peter Piper's Troubles 

Jonah. The same. I am glad that I aroused your attention. 

Grubbins. 'Tis certainly a very romantic story, but it needs 
stronger proof than your word to substantiate it. 

Jonah. To convince the skeptic I have brought them with me. 
(Produces papers) The dying confession of Mrs. Kilby and a 
copy of the baptismal certificate of her son, Selwyn Kilby. These 
precious documents were confided to me by Selwyn's mother a few 
hours before her death. 

Grubbins. For what purpose? 

Jonah. To place them along with these letters in Miss Chester's 
hand. 

Grubbins. Forgeries, all forgeries. And supposing they are 
genuine, they are not worth the paper they're written on. Richard 
Allison left his property to Doris Chester without even mentioning 
his wife or son whom he believed dead. 

Jonah. Yes, but his believing them dead didn't make them so. 

Grubbins. Their legal right is clearly with us. 

Jonah. And the moral and legal right is clearly with us. 

Grubbins. What we have we shall keep, and there's an end of 
the matter. (Rises, crosses to r. corner) 

Jonah. Not quite, Daniel. When Miss Doris Chester discov- 
ers that she wrongfully holds the property which belongs to her 
old lover, Selwyn Kilby, her pride will revolt at the idea of her 
being a usurper. She is too good, too noble to assist you in your 
nefarious schemes. Now Daniel, do I make myself clearly under- 
stood ? 

Grubbins (aside). It is important that she should not learn 
this secret until she is married, or she may foolishly throw her 
entire fortune away. 

Jonah (starts to go c. d.). I shall now seek Miss Chester 
and discharge the sacred trust imposed upon me. 

Grubbins. My dear Mr. Bundy, don't be too hasty. I fear I 
may have said some things to offend you. 

Jonah. You were rather too personal in your remarks, Daniel, 
indeed you were. You wounded my tender feelings. I can't bear 
it. It cuts me to the heart, indeed it does. (Weeps) 

Grubbins. You've said some very unkind things too. But let us 
forget and forgive; there's my hand, Jonah. (Offers hand) 

Jonah (shaking hands). There's mine, Daniel. And now be- 
tween ourselves, do I get that five hundred dollars you promised 
me? 

Grubbins. Oh, certainly. On the very day that Miss Chester 
marries the Hon. Adolphus Gudgeon you shall have five hundred 
dollars. 



Peter Piper's Troubles 4q 

Jonah. But will she marry him? I have an idea that she 
still loves young Kilby. Besides, this brainless dude, Gudgeon 
hasn't a cent in the world. 

Grubbins. No, not at present. But don't you see when he 
marries Doris Chester he'll be rich and then, Jonah, we shall 
squeeze him. We'll make a good thing out of this match. We can 
easily work him because he's as soft as dough. 

Peter {aside, from behind screen). They're going to work him 
for his dough, eh? 

Jonah. A capital idea, Daniel, you're a wonderful genius. 

Peter {aside). He's a wonderful liar. 

Grubbins. And now friend Bundy, can I have a look at those 
papers? I'll take good care of them. 

Jonah. Not just now, Daniel. I can take good care of them 
myself until you give me the five hundred dollars. 

Grubbins. Oh, very well, but remember the success of our 
plans depends upon strict secrecy. Not a word of this to Doris 
Chester. 

Jonah. You can trust me. And above all, don't you let that 
good-for-nothing Peter Piper get an inkling of our scheme. If he 
does he will expose the whole affair and ruin us. He's as talkative 
as a parrot and as mischievous as a monkey. 

Peter {aside). So I'm a parrot and a monkey, am I? He's an 
old baboon. 

Grubbins. I think I'll discharge him. When he knows too 
much about my business, it's time to fire him, 

Peter {crosses to c. d., aside). When I'm fired, there'll be a hot 
old time around here for someone. [EXIT c. d. 

Jonah {goes toward c. d.). Well, Daniel, remember our verbal 
agreement. I receive five hundred dollars on the wedding day. 
Until then — mum is the word. {Starts to EXIT c. d.) 

ENTER Peter c. d. collides with Jonah. 

Peter. Excuse me again. Please keep off the grass. 

Jonah. If you were in my office, I'd teach you manners, young 
man. 

Peter. How can you teach me what you never had yourself, old 
man? 

Jonah. Oh, go to the devil. 

Peter {at c. d., shouting after Jonah). Yes, and I'll tell him 
that I saw you. {To Grubbins) Miss Chester is on her way here 
now; in fact, she is coming up the street. 

Grubbins {crosses to d. l.). When she comes, show her into 
my private office, I'll be waiting there. EXIT d, l. 



CQ Peter Piper's Troubles 

Peter. So I'm going to be fired ! Before that eventful day ar- 
rives I'll have some fun with old Grubbins and Jonah Bundy. 
{Knock heard at c. d., opens door) Come right in, Miss Chester. 

ENTER Doris c. d. 

Doris. Is Mr. Grubbins in? 

Peter. Yes, miss, that shining legal light is waiting for you 
in his sanctum sanctorum. {Indicates d. l.) In other words, 
Daniel is in the liar's den — I mean lion's den. 

Doris. What ! 

Peter. I mean the lawyer's den. Miss Chester, I have told you 
so many lies that if I told you the truth now I suppose you 
wouldn't believe me. It's so hard to live down a bad reputation, 
you know. But I have reformed, and this time I'm going to tell 
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 

Doris. I am glad to hear it. Speak out, I will listen. 

Peter. Yes, I must speak or I'll bust. This antediluvian sinner 
and shyster lawyer, Daniel Grubbins, is concocting a diabolical 
scheme between himself and old Jonah Bundy to rob you of your 
property and destroy your happiness. 

Doris. How, pray? 

Peter. They want you to marry that English dude, Adolphus 
Gudgeon. I overheard the whole plot and I'm warning you in 
good faith, for I don't want to see you swindled. Miss Chester. 

Doris. I thank you very much for your timely and friendly 
warning. I shall be prepared to meet any underhand tricks on their 
part. As for marrying that simpleton. Gudgeon, I'd as soon marry 
the man in the moon. 

Peter. The man in the moon is not a bad sort of a fellow, only 
he gets full once a month. (Doris laughs) As a special favor I 
would ask you not mention my name in this matter. 

Doris. You can rely upon my silence, and I thank you for 
putting me on my guard. (Grubbins coughs off l.) 

Peter. Here he comes. {Loudly) This way. Miss Chester. 

ENTER Grubbins d. l. 

Grubbins. Ah, Miss Chester. I'm glad you are punctual. 
Please step into my private office. I have important business mat- 
ters to discuss with you. (EXIT Doris d. l. To Peter) When 
the Hon. Adolphus Gudgeon arrives tell him to wait here. 

Peter. And if he don't come, what shall I tell him ? 

Grupbins. You're a fool, [EXIT d. l, 



Peter Piper's Troubles rj 

Peter (at d, l.). Before I'm through with you, Mr. Daniel 
Grubbins, you may find out that I'm not such a fool as I look. 
(Crosses to window looks out) Hello, the Hon. Adolphus Gud- 
geon is coming down the street, (Looking in opposite direction) 
And Mrs. Barrington is coming up the street. (Going c.) Now 
the fun begins. And it won't be my fault if I don't turn this 
musty, old law office into a first-class matrimonial bureau. (Knock 
heard at c. d. Peter opens c. d.) Fairest of earth's creatures, 
enter. 

ENTER Mrs. Barrington c. d. 

Mrs. Barrington. Oh, Mr. Piper is that you? Is Mr. Grub- 
bins engaged? 

Peter. Not exactly, but he's trying hard to be. 

Mrs. Barrington. What do you mean? 

Peter. He is at this very moment in his private office enjoying a 
tete-a-tete with a beautiful young lady — object matrimony or other 
money. If he's not engaged by the time he's through, it won't be 
his fault. 

Mrs. Barrington. Peter, are you quite sure you're not lying? 

Peter. Quite sure, because I know that I'm standing up and 
telling the truth. If you doubt me, take a peep through yonder 
key-hole and be convinced. 

Mrs Barrington. It's rather a mean thing to do, but they 
say all is fair in love and war. I must know the truth and be 
sure that I'm right. (Looks through key-hole at t).!..) Peter, you 
have spoken the truth. 

Peter. Thank heaven, someone believes me at last ! 

Mrs. Barrington. Yes, Grubbins is false and he swore he 
loved none but but me. 

Peter. A lawyer's oath doesn't count for much; they are used 
to swearing. 

Mrs. Barrington (goes c). Oh, for means of revenge upon the 
false hound. Peter, what shall I do? 

Peter. If Grubbins is untrue I'll tell you what to do. Re- 
venge is sweet and Grubbins ib sour. Don't give him a chance to 
shake you, shake him first. Remember there's as good fish in the 
sea as ever grew upon land. You have another admirer who has 
long worshipped you, adored you in secret, and whose name is 

Mrs. Barrington. Don't mention it, I already can guess — Jonah 
Bundy. 

Peter. No, this man is no Jonah, but a gallant young noble- 
man of rank; in fact he's the rankest specimen of a nobleman I 
ever saw. His name is the Hon. Adolphus Gudgeon, Baronet, 



52 



Peter Piper's Troubles 



Dukelet, a Knight of The Bath Tub, and Grand Exalted Ruler of 
The Royal Dog Kennel. He is also a Jim Dandy, too sweet to 
live and too strong to work. 

Mrs. Barrington. But do you think he would have me, Peter? 

Peter. Would he have you? He's hungry for your love 
(Aside) And he's thirsty for her money. 

Mrs. Barrington. Really, I'm so inexperienced in love affairs. 
What would you advise me to do, Peter? 

Peter. I'd advise you to do old Grubbins and take young 
Gudgeon. 

Mrs. Barrington. Peter, I believe you are right and I shall 
do as you say. (Knock heard at c. d.) 

Peter. That's Gudgeon now. I can tell his peculiar style of 
knocking. He's not a common knocker ; he has a gentle, aristo- 
cratic way of knocking. Now if you'll step in the next room, I'll 
call you when I've got everything fixed. 

Mrs. Barrington (crosses d. r.) My poor heart palpitates like 
a little birdie. [EXIT d. r. 

Peter. A little birdie indeed ! She looks more like a Thanks- 
giving turkey. (Knock heard again. Opens door) Come right 
in and make yourself at home. 

ENTER Adolphus c. d. 

Adolphus. How do you do, Peter? 

Peter. Oh, I'm able to walk around and take light food. Do 
you wish to see Mr. Grubbins? 

Adolphus. Yes, I had an important engagement with him, don't 
you know. 

Peter. Well, he's been called away suddenly but he has dele- 
gated to me full power of attorney to act in your affair. 

Adolphus. Charmed, I'm sure. Then you know— 

Peter. I know all. I couldn't hold down this job if I didn't. 
The lady he wishes you to marry is now waiting in the next room. 
(Indicates d. r.) She has given her consent to the proposed union 
and is willing to be led to the altar' to become the wife of The 
Hon. Adolphus Gudgeon, Baronet, Dukelet and Bracelet. 

Adolphus. Charmed, I'm sure. 

Peter. Now follow my advice if you want to win her. Pop the 
question at once. She is a very wealthy lady but she's strictly 
business, like all American women, so don't waste precious time by 
making love to her. No Romeo and Juliet speeches. I'll go now 
and trot her out. [EXIT d. r. 

Adolphus. Trot her out? (SitsR.) He speaks of the lady as 
if she were a young colt at horse fair. Well, my finances are in 



Peter Piper's Troubles 



53 



such desperate straits, that a wealthy marriage is the only way 
out of it. Grubbins said the lady was young, beautiful and in- 
nocent; that's so much in my favor. 

ENTER Grubbins d. l. stands at door, sees Adolphus. 

Grubbins (aside). Ah, there's my man. I'll bring the young 
lady out and clinch the deal at once. [EXIT d. l. 

ENTER Jonah Bundy c. d. 

Jonah. I have a strong suspicion that Grubbins intends fooling 
me. I followed Mrs. Barrington to the corner and I'm convinced 
she entered this office. (Looks around, sees Adolphus. Aside) 
That idiot here. I don't want to meet him. (Crosses to d. l., 
peeps into room) Just as I suspected — the old rascal is in con- 
sultation Tvith Miss Chester. I'll just step aside and watch their 
little game. (Hides behind screen) 

ENTER Peter and Mrs. Barrington d. r. 

Peter. Mrs. Barrington, allow me to introduce to you the 
Honorable Adolphus Gudgeon, nobleman, stableman and a right 
royal good fellow. (Aside to Adolphus) On your knees at once 
and pop the question. (Goes up c.) 

Adolphus (kneeling). My dear lady, notwithstanding the seem- 
ing abruptness of my proposal. (ENTER Grubbins d. l., followed 
by Doris. Both stand amazed at d. l.) I have the honor to ask 
you for your hand in marriage. Your lawyer, Mr. Grubbins, 
wishes it and I wish it, so fairest creature, say that you'll be 
mine. 

Mrs. Barrington. Mr. Gudgeon, I am yours forever. 

Adolphus (rises; they embrace). Charmed, I'm sure. 

Grubbins (rushes down, throws Adolphus toward R.) Idiot, 
you've proposed to the wrong wom'an ! 

Adolphus. Don't blame me. It was Peter Piper's fault. 

Grubbins. Oh, damn Peter Piper, where is he? 

Peter (runs up to hide behind screen, collides with Jonah). 
Ah, ha ! Another rat ! (Ladies scream and jump on chairs. 
Peter struggles with Jonah and screen falls. Peter is pounding 
Jonah who screams "Let me go," etc.) 

Mrs. Barrington falls in chair l. Adolphus crosses to fan her. 
Doris falls in chair at desk, laughing. Grubbins in chair r., 
disgusted. 

CURTAIN. 



^4 Peter Piper's Troubles 



ACT IV. 

SCENE.— ^'ow^ as Act III. Next day. DISCOVERED Daniel 
Grubbins seated e. of table. 

Grubbins. Mrs. Barrington is going to marry that English 
dude, Gudgeon. This marriage upsets all my plans. Well, 
there's one consolation I won't have to pay Jonah Bundy that 
five hundred dollars. (Rising) And to think that all this 
trouble has been caused by this idiot Peter Piper. I must dis- 
charge him before he does any more mischief in this office. Who 
knows, but his next move might be to set fire to the house. 

ENTER Selwyn Kilby c. d. 

Selwyn. Mr. Grubbins, I trust that you will pardon this 
unceremonious intrusion, but I wish to ascertain the name of 
the generous patron who gave five hundred dollars for my 
picture. Or was there some mistake in the cheque? 

Grubbins. Not at all, Mr. Kilby. The cheque was quite 
correct, but I'm not at liberty to mention the name of the 
purchaser who so highly appreciates your artistic genius. Suffice 
it to say that she is a person of refinement and culture. 

Selwyn. She? It was a lady who bought the picture? 

Grubbins. Oh, yes, quite an old lady, a very wealthy and 
eccentric client of mine. 

Selwyn. I would like to see her and thank her in person. 

Grubbins (aside). I dare say he would. (Aloud) Mr, 
Kilby it is impossible to grant your request, I am pledged to 
secrecy in the matter. The old lady desires her name should 
remain unknown for the present, and I must respect her wishes. 

Selwyn. Very well, sir. Now to change the subject, I wish 
to settle the bill I owe you. It has hung like a millstone around 
my neck for the last three months. (Hands bill to Grubbins)' 

Grubbins (crosses to cash box on desk). Certainly sir. 
Prompt payment makes long friends. (Counting change, hands 
bills to Selwyn) Here's your change, Mr. Kilby. . 

Selwyn. Thanks. Good day, sir. (Goes toward c. d., count- 
ing money) 

Grubbins (locking cash box on desk). Good day. 



Peter Piper's Troubles ee 

ENTER Peter Piper d. r. does not see Selwyn, who is hidden 
by door opening. 

Peter (to Grubbins). Well, I delivered the picture right side 
up to the beautiful and accomplished Miss Doris Chester, and 
never told a living soul a word about it. 

Selwyn (coming c. behind Peter). It was Miss Chester who 
purchased my picture? 

Peter. The very identical self-same party. 

Grubbins (crosses R., aside). I'll kill that fellow yet. 
(Aloud) Peter Piper, you lie, and you know it. 

Peter. No, but you lie and I know it. Lying has got me into 
so much trouble in the past that I'm through with prevarication. 
So I again repeat that in carrying out your instructions, I also 
carried out a picture from this office and delivered it to Miss 
Doris Chester in propria persona. If there be any person who 
doubts my veracity, let him speak now or forever hold his peace, 
and them's my sentiments. 

Selwyn (shakes Peter's hand), Peter Piper, I believe you. 

Peter. Hurrah my character for veracity is being rapidly re- 
established. 

Selwyn. Mr. Grubbins, I cannot understand, your purpose in 
concealing Miss Chester's identity, but you evidently had a 
motive. There is some mystery here which I must try and 
fathom. (Crosses to c. o.) Remember sir, you shall hear from 
me again. [EXIT c. d. 

Peter (laughing). Ah, ha! The end is not yet, Daniel 
Grubbins. It is to be continued in- our next issue. Then, 
Daniel, prepare to meet thy master below. 

Grubbins. Peter Piper, your end has come right now. After 
such treachery you may consider yourself discharged. I've no 
further use for your services. 

Peter. Thanks, my lord. I also consider myself lucky in 
losing this job, for if I stayed here much longer I fear I might 
become as big a scoundrel as you are. 

Grubbins (handing him money). Here's your salary, up to 
date. 

Peter. Thanks. Three dollars and fifty cents is an up-to-date 
salary. 

Grubbins. And now young man, let me give you a piece of 
good advice. 

Peter. Don't do it. I've more good advice on hand than 
would start a Sunday school. 

Grubbins. Knowing your weakness for talking about affairs 



c5 Peter Piper's Troubles 

which do not concern you, I warn you if you reveal any of the 
secrets of this office I'll have you lodged in jail. 

Peter. Thanks for the interest you take in my future welfare. 
But if I should reveal any of the secrets of this office you'd be 
the one that would be safely lodged in jail, so there would be a 
pair of us, as the devil said to his elbows. 

Grubbins. What do you know? 

Peter. If I told you that, you'd be as wise as myself, but 
you'll find out. Good-bye, Grubbins, and remember — ^the end is 
not yet. (Crosses to c. d. ENTER Jonah c. d.) And satan 
came also. Here's your right bower. You're a lovely pair. When 
shall we three meet again? [EXIT c. d., laughing. 

Jonah. Why the devil don't you discharge that insolent 
puppy ? 

Grubbins. I have discharged him. 

Jonah. And none too soon; the fellow is becoming 
dangerous; he knows too much. Well, to come to the business 
that brought me here. What about that five hundred? 

Grubbins. There's nothing about it. The marriage, as we 
arranged it, is all off. It was a contingent fee dependent upon 
the union of Doris Chester and Adolphus Gudgeon, which as 
you know will not take place. 

Jonah. Well, that was no fault of mine. 

Grubbins. Nor mine, Jonah. 

Jonah. Yes, it was all your fault. You kept that Peter Piper 
in your employ aginst my advice, when you should have bounced 
him long ago. But now you lock the stable when the steed is 
stolen. I want my money and I'm going to have it, do you hear? 
Remember, I still hold the papers regarding the Allison estate 
and proving Selwyn Kilby's legal right to the property now held 
by Miss Doris Chester. If you don't comply with my demands 
I shall sell those papers to the highest bidder. 

Grubbins. Have you those documents with you? 

Jonah. I have, why do you ask? (Puts hand in pocket, takes 
out document which has pistol concealed inside) 

Grubbins. Because I'm going to have them or have your life. 
(Draws knife quickly) 

Jonah (presents pistol). And you'll get neither. Daniel, I 
came prepared for you this time. I suspected your little game. 

Grubbins (forced laugh). Why, Jonah, it was only a little 
joke. 

Jonah. Oh, yes, you're a great little joker, Daniel. 

Grubbins. I wouldn't harm a hair of your head. 

Jonah (takes off hat, exposes bald head). No, I don't suppose 



Peter Piper's Troubles ry 

you could if you would. But what are you going to do about 
the money? 

Grubeins. I haven't that amount in the office at present. 
Return in a half an hour and I'll have a cheque cashed by that 
time. 

Jonah. All right, Daniel, and I'll bring along my trusty 
friend. (Shows pistol) In case you might try some more of 
your little jokes. [EXIT c. d. 

Grubbins. I was too hasty. I should have used milder 
measures ; one can catch more flies with molasses than with 
vinegar. Chloroform is the safest of all weapons, and the bed 
of the river is deep enough to hold him and his secret forever. 
(Sits L. of table) Yes, I'll do it. (ENTER Betsy c. d.) Yes, 
I'll do it. 

Betsy (goes to end of table, unperceived; slaps on table). 
Who are you going to do now, old marrowbones? 

Grubbins. None of your business. Miss Impudence. 

Betsy. Is that so? Well, I'll tell you what is my business. 
I want to know where Peter Piper is at. 

Grubbins. I don't know, and I don't want to know. 

Betsy. Is that so? Because I'd like to see him. 

Grubbins. I'd like to see him in jail for all the trouble he has 
caused me. 

Betsy. Is that so? Well, old crocodile, I've seen honester 
looking faces than yours behind prison bars. 

Grubbins. Get out of here, and find your Peter Piper. He's 
not employed here any more. 

Betsy. Is that so? Well, he ain't lost much. The job was 
no good nohow. He couldn't feed a sick canary on the salary 
you were paying him, let alone support a wife, see! When I 
find him, we're going to make up again and get spliced, see. 

Grubbins. Well, I don't care whether you get spliced or 
hitched, see. 

Betsy. Say, old rags and bones, you ought to get off the 
earth and give an honest man a chance. You're only living out 
of spite to keep some good man out of a job, see. 

[EXIT c D., quickly. 

Grubbins. What a saucy little cyclone in petticoats ! Truly a 
fit companion for Peter Piper. (Crosses R. c.) 

ENTER Doris Chester c. d. 

Doris. Mr. Grubbins. 

Grubbins. Ah, Miss Chester, delighted to see you. Your 
presence brightens ■ 



eg Peter Piper's Troubles 

Doris. Enough sir ! I haven't come here to receive empty 
compliments. The object of my visit can be told in a few words. 
I wish to take my business afifairs entirely out of your hands. 

Grubbins. Why, my dear Miss Chester, what has happened to 
cause this sudden resolution? Has Peter Piper been poisoning 
your mind by slandering me? 

Doris. Certain facts have come to my knowledge, it is not 
necessary to tell how, that convince me you are not an honest 
man but a dangerous enemy, and therefore are not to be trusted 
with the management of my property. 

Grubbins {aside). Jonah Bundy has betrayed me. (Aloud) 
Hear me, Miss Chester. 

Doris. I'll hear nothing more. I know all. You are no 
longer my lawyer nor adviser; you have betrayed your trust. I 
am done with you, sir. 

Grubbins. Very well, young lady, be it so since you wish it. 
rill be candid with you. The property you now hold never did 
really belong to you ; in the first place, you are a pauper, a 
nobody. The late Mr. Allison left a child, a boy. That boy still 
lives and is of course the rightful heir. He is a poor struggling' 
artist whose mother had changed her name from Allison to 
Kilby, her maiden name. That son and lawful heir is now one 
Selwyn Kilby, an artist. 

Doris. Selwyn Kilby, the artist! And you have kept me in 
ignorance of all this? You are even a greater criminal than I 
suspected. You have allowed me to usurp another's place, to 
rob him of his birthright and his property, while he was 
struggling in poverty. And I was innocent of any intention of 
evil; you were the guilty one; you mean, contemptible swindler 
whom I loathe and despise. You're a disgrace to your profes- 
sion 

Grubbins. Take care girl, or FU bring an action against you 
for defamation of character. 

Doris. You have no character; how can I defame it? I shall 
see Mr. Kilby at once and make all the reparation in my power. 
Then I'll leave him to settle with you. (Starts toward c d.) 

ENTER Selwyn c. d. 

Doris. Mr. Kilby, this meeting is most opportune and 
fortunate; I was going in search of you. I find I have uncon- 
sciously done you a cruel wrong, and I wish to explain and make 
all the reparation in my power. I have been that man's dupe, 
he wrought all the mischief. 



Peter Piper's Troubles eg 

Selwyn. I can well believe it ; but this man's villainy has at 
last come to an end. His boon companion and partner in crime, 
Jonah Bundy confessed all before he died. 

Grubbins. Dead! Is Bundy dead? 

Selwyn. Yes. He shot himself at his lodgings a short time 
ago, as he was about to be arrested. My lawyer is now on his 
way here with Bandy's dying deposition implicating you in all 
his misdeeds. He has a warrant for your arrest. 

Grubbins. Your lawyer? 

Selwyn. Of course. I had to engage a competent lawyer to 
investigtate the matter, and also to manage my estate. A man 
in whose honesty and legal ability I have the utmost confidence. 
(ENTER Peter and Betsy c. d. Selwyn presents Peter) 
Allow me to introduce him to you 

Peter. Peter Piper, attorney at law, at your service. 

Selwyn. Mr. Grubbins, as this office happens to be part of 
my estate, I wish you to vacate to-day as your lease expires. 

Peter. Yes, and please take in your shingle as soon as possible 
as I want to hang out mine in large letters so that he who runs 
may read. Mr. Grubbins, after what has happened you may 
consider yourself discharged, and furthermore, I warn you that 
if you ever dare to reveal the secrets of this office, I'll have you 
lodged in jail. Then you can sing "Be it ever so humble there's 
no place like home." 

Betsy. Yes, old Grubby, your partner was a Jonah by name 
as well as by nature. He gave you dead away; then he gave 
himself dead away to the undertaker. Go thou and do likewise, 
see. 

Grubbins. Very well, Mr. Kilby, under the circumstances I 
shall vacate. I'll have all my personal effects removed as soon as 
possibe. In the meantime, Peter Piper, I warn you that if you 
misappropriate or steal any of my property I'll see that you're 
punished for it. 

Betsy (crosses up to Grubbins). Now see here, if you dare 
to say that Peter would steal any of your old goods or chattels 
I'll scratch your eyes out, see. 

Peter. He couldn't see if you scratch his eyes out, Betsy. 

ENTER Adolphus and Mrs. Barrington c. d. 

Adolphus (to Gurbbins). Allow me to introduce to you the 
Lady Adolphus Gudgeon. 

Grubbins. The lady Adolphus Gudgeon and you may go to the 
devil, [EXIT c. d. 



^Q Peter Piper's Troubles 

Adolphus. What's the matter with Grubbins? He seems put 
out. 

Peter. He is more than put out, he was kicked out. The 
law firm of Grubbins & Co. is now a thing of the past and the 
firm of Peter Piper & Co. is a thing of the future. 

Selwyn. But Peter, who's going to be the company? 

Peter. Betsy BoHvar shall be my law partner and life partner. 
She shall share my profits and losses, joys and sorrows, as she 
has proved faithful through all of " Peter Piper's troubles." 

CURTAIN. 

POSITIONS. 

Peter and Betsy c. Selwyn and Doris r. c. Mrs. Barring- 
ton and Adolphus l. c. 



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